the story of how a family is created

C called me today after a doctor visit to say that they did decide, after all, to do a scheduled c-section.  when we had first talked back in November, this was what she’d been expecting to happen, but for the last month or so she’s told us that she’d prefer to be able to have a “normal” birth experience because the healing time is so much shorter.  Unfortunately, because of various medical reasons, they told her today that she will need to undergo a c-section after all.

although she must have been disappointed, when she shared this news with me, she pointed out that this would make it easier for us to plan and we will probably actually  be able to be present in Texas when he’s born.  I’m trying not to count on being in the actual room when he’s born, but that is at least a possibility now.   And despite the fact that I felt bad that she wouldn’t get to deliver him in her preferred way, the news gave me such a thrill!  First of all, THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!  and although the surgery hasn’t been scheduled yet, they estimated that it would be in early March which means THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING SOON!  and thirdly, HOORAY for a teensy island of potential predictability in the choppy sea of uncertainty!  Granted, he could still decide to make an early entrance into the world and surprise us all, but at least we know he won’t be late and leave us all hanging with bated breath for two weeks.

Let’s just say that concentrating on homework all day tomorrow will be a challenge, but will also be a priority–I’ve got to try to get a little bit ahead of the schedule!

I made a baby quilt that tells our story.  I thought you might like to see some pictures.  Sorry the lighting is so bad.  winter, ya know.

the back of the quilt.

cute vintage camel on the back:

my favorite (non-embroidered) circle:

some close-ups of the embroidered circles (in order from top of the quilt to bottom):

tonight, driving in the car, i realized that i may, possibly have found the balance point between believing , 100%, that this baby will one day be ours and believing, also 100%, that he won’t and that a different baby is out there waiting for us instead.  how is that possible?  to believe both?  100%?  i’m really not sure.  i’m not so good with the math these days, but  it’s as though i’m standing in a hallway and if i look over in one direction i can see one room where we are at home with this baby boy, starting our new family, losing lots of sleep, probably bursting into tears a lot, and being happier than i can even imagine and if i look over in the opposite direction i can see us in a different room, learning that C has chosen to parent this child and I can see us jumping back into the pool to wait for another expectant mother to decide that maybe she could entrust her child to us (because nothing else in our story has worked on the first try, so why should this be any different?).  But I’m still in the hallway, not really allowing myself to go into either of those rooms.  Okay, maybe i’ve poked my head into the first room a few times and more often than the second room (can you blame me?) but when I think about this out of the corner of my eye, I can’t quite imagine it really happening.  I can’t quite imagine that this REALLY might work out.  But the hallway is safe and familiar.  From here, I’ve watched so many other families being born.  I’m always on the outside, looking in and wondering what it’s really like to have this little squishy being in your lives ALL THE TIME and needing so much care and attention and winning so much of your love…

I realized today that I’ve been sort of holding myself back around “C.”  I never say anything like, “When you give us the baby” or “After we get the baby” because that feels presumptous.  She hasn’t yet made (and legally can not yet make) her final decision and I don’t want to assume that she will choose to place him with us.  But I also haven’t ever said, “I’m getting so excited!” (instead, I’ll say, “this is getting so exciting!” subtle difference, I know) and I try not to talk too much about plans for after the baby is born (other than some basic logistical details) because i somehow feel that words like that might pressure her and I don’t ever want to be seen as coercive.  J pointed out tonight that at this point, we are all (C, J and I) assuming that she will place.  She has never given us any indication that she’s ever thought of changing her mind, so how could me saying that I’m getting excited about the baby be seen as coercive?  Is it even possible to coerce someone to do something that they’re already planning to do?

This article keeps running around in the back of my mind and I wonder if I’m cheating myself out of happiness.  Curse you, infertility clouds that still cast shadows over my life!

very slowly, i’ve been telling a few of my library patrons here and there about our adoption plans.  today i realized what a luxury it is (in some ways) to have an “incognito pregnancy.”  i’ve been out shopping with girlfriends when they’re very visibly pregnant.  e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. they meet has to say something about it to them.  “Oh, you’re pregnant!  When are you due?  What are you having?  Have you decided on a name yet?  Here’s my unsolicited advice blahblahblah….”  Whereas I can choose to share that information, or not share that information as I choose.  Sometimes I don’t share because maybe I’m tired of talking about it.  Sometimes I don’t share because it’s just too complicated to explain that we’re matched but that she could change her mind or he could come early or etc, etc.  Sometimes I don’t share because it’s just none of their business.  But pregnant people don’t always have that option.

Thinking about that also made me think about C and what it would be like to have everyone asking you all of those nosy questions above.  Does she feel like she has to explain (and defend) her adoption plan to each nosy stranger that asks?  Does she just smile and nod?

Granted, we’ll likely have to deal with other nosy stranger questions for the rest of our lives, “oh, is he yours?”  “where’s he from?”  “who’s his real mom?”  “you know, I knew this one guy who was adopted and he was so messed up.”

Yep.  I think I’ll do my best to savor this last stretch of anonymity.

my deepest gratitude to all of you who have hollered up the tree that you’re down there, holding  a big net, ready to catch me if need be.  here’s a funny story for your enjoyment.

last night, just one short day after posting about being “on call 24/7” my phone chimed at 9:30 that “C” was sending me a text message.  My heart fell into my toes and then bounced back into my throat.  It’s a little later in the evening than she generally contacts us and the last time she did, it was to tell us that she was going to the hospital and very worried (that was the first time).  I flipped my phone open, not sure what to expect, and read, “only 6 weeks and 5 days.  the countdown begins, FINALLY!”  and i laughed and laughed out loud.  NOW the countdown begins?  at exactly 33 weeks and 2 days into the pregnancy?  I just love this woman.  All systems are normal.  Crisis averted.  We are still “on track” and although I’m enjoying the shade below the crazy tree, I am no longer swinging from the branches.

we are now on call. 24-7. she texted us the other night at 2:15 a.m. because she was in pain and thought it was labor. she had good reason to believe it was, in fact, labor, but when she finally went to the hospital a few hours later, they told her it was nothing to worry about, gave her some meds and sent her home. in the meantime, i didn’t get much sleep as i lay in bed pondering all of the implications of her original messages. what if she was really having the baby? are we ready? what needed to be packed? what projects at work needed to be resolved or passed along to someone else? who did i need to call? what did we still need to buy? what time did the earliest plane leave town and could we be ready in time to catch it? how long would we have to stay in the NICU if he arrived this early? we still haven’t been able to even choose a name! worry, worry worry… so i was relieved when i heard the doctor’s diagnosis, but the whole thing really brought it home that we are on call now. and it has sort of set me on full-alert. all the time. any day now we could get a call that she’s in labor or that the baby’s been born quickly and is already here, come hurry, or that she’s changed her mind and decided to parent this little guy. any of those calls would change the current course of our lives. and i have no control over any of it. and so i’m clinging to the things i do have control over (packing the bags, wrapping things up at work as fast as i can, buying the last few absolute necessities, making lists and lists and lists) to try to distract myself from the big things over which i have no control. i am holding on to this roller coaster ride for all i’m worth and trying to “enjoy” the ride. but please forgive me if i curl up on a high branch of the crazy tree, shrieking and throwing things at unfortunate passersby. i will eventually crawl down (yoga class tonight helped), but i can’t guarantee that i won’t be back up there again soon.

many, many thanks for all of your e-mails, phone calls, blog comments, thoughts and prayers.  We’re back from Texas and had a good trip.  I’m still fighting off my cold (possibly turning into an ear infection now?  super fun on the plane rides there and back.), but other than some coughing fits, it didn’t spoil our visit at all.

Let’s see…. what can I share….  We arrived at her grandmother’s house (where she’s currently living) around 11;30 and were there (except for all of us going out to lunch at a local eatery) until about 6:00.  Pretty much we just talked the entire time.  It might actually be more accurate to say that she talked the entire time (whew!  she is even more chatty than me!  can you believe it?) and we occasionally chimed in with responses, comments and questions.  It was helpful for us to see the town she comes from, meet her family and talk to her in person.  For some reason, I thought that talking to her in person would be different than talking on the phone, but, except for a lack of static and the ability to read her lips as she talks (which helps me when I’m not sure what someone is saying)…. it’s pretty much the same.  Around 6:00, we realized that we should probably try to secure a hotel room for the night.  We asked her if she wanted us to come back after we’d gotten the room and she said, “I kinda don’t like to hang out at night.” so we made plans to get together the next day instead.  love that she’s willing to be that open and honest with us!

the town is very small.  there’s a smattering of fast food (dairy queen, sonic, church’s chicken, mcdonald’s, subway, pizza hut), a wal-mart, a grocery store, a giant car wash, a hotel, a few local restaurants, the county hospital (which has 35 beds) and a few clinics and (I think) three stoplights.  the landscape is filled with scrub and cactus and dust.

I did “take a few trips up the crazy tree” when i allowed my overactive imagination and my anxiety to dance a little too closely together, but j patiently sat at the bottom of that tree and laughed or hugged me out of it every time.

We returned to her house the next morning when they invited us over for barbacoa tacos (YUM!) and stayed until about 1:00, talking more, listening more and learning more about each other.  When we left, she said she was glad we’d gotten to meet each other before the baby comes.  She was worried that she wouldn’t like us in person, but we’re just the same as she’d thought we’d be and she still likes us.  (whew!)

The rest of the trip was spent with family in San Antonio.  I got to see some cousins that I haven’t seen for ages and get to know their wives better.  It was nice to spend time with my aunties too.  But it was also nice to get home last night.  My brain is still processing all of the information we took in over the course of the weekend, but all in all, I feel a much greater sense of peace about our upcoming adventures, wherever they may take us.

so… you know those word necklaces that many of you created awhile back in a show of support for us during this process?  I feel like we should have some sort of superhero connection through those (you know, “Activate, WORD POWER!” or something) that I can call on whenever I could use a little extra boost of support.  Maybe it’s called the power of prayer.  Either way, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers this weekend as we travel to Texas to meet “C” for the first time.  I’m kind of nervous and I’m battling a head cold on top of things, so, yeah.  I could use any help you’re willing to send our way.

part of the struggle of the adoption journey is a loss of control for the adoptive parents.  when i first read about this phenomenon, i shrugged it off thinking, yeah, yeah, loss of control, OBVIOUSLY, plus, when you’re pregnant yourself, it’s just the illusion of control, right?  who cares?  well, this loss of control has manifested itself interestingly in several concrete ways.  And I’ve coped in several interesting and concrete ways.  One of my big coping mechanisms that caused poor j some dismay was a complete obsession over a gliding rocking chair.  i began searching craigslist as early as last august (possibly earlier, but i recently found some e-mail in my archives that proved i’ve been at this at least that long) as soon as i realized that our wonderful, wedding-gift-from-grandparents bentwood Amish rocking chair just wasn’t going to be comfortable for long, late-night feeding sessions.  (twisted branches aren’t so comfy for elbows, who knew?)  i did research.  i shopped at local stores.  i swore not to give any money to the megastore who’s initials are b.r.u.  i dropped my jaw to the floor when i tried out the most amazing chair at a small local furniture store (it looked NOTHING like a rocker, but when you flipped this small secret switch…. hey presto!  smooth gliding action!  and it was so comfortable!!) and then dropped my jaw again when i realized that if we ordered that chair in leather (easy to clean!  cats won’t shred it!) it would cost almost $2K.  ouch.  my thrifty mennonite heritage (and my thrifty mennonite mother) would not allow me to spend such an extravagant amount on just a chair.  so i spent a few months just mourning the impossibility of that chair and also engaging in some sour grapes-ing (although it would recline with a footrest like a regular recliner, it didn’t rock when reclined, which i sort of wanted it to do.)  And i continued to comb craigslist.  then, over Winter Break, I just decided that we needed to just take the plunge and BUY something.  I found a chair on the Chicago craigslist that was really lovely (perhaps too lovely–it was heavily in the Craftsman style) and was $300.  I e-mailed and decided this was the chair for us.  Then, just to check, I looked at the Milwaukee listings and found a chair that was just as good-possibly better for $350.  Less gas money is a good thing, so I contacted that seller to ask a few further questions.  The next day she replied that the chair had already sold.  “well, I thought, I guess that just means that there’s something better out there waiting for me.”  A few hours later, I happened to check the listings again (seriously, i wasn’t THIS obsessive the whole time, just once or twice, right honey?) and I noticed another chair that was the brand we were looking for, seemed to be in good shape, but maybe had a few stains on the cushions (which I had other big plans for no matter what anyway), but it reclined, rocked while it reclined, had padded arms, and pockets on the arms too!  It didn’t have an ottoman, but it was listed at $70.  I e-mailed the seller right away and asked if we could pick it up that evening.  She seemed to think it wasn’t worth us driving all the way to Milwaukee, but I assured her that we didn’t mind.  And so here, after waaaaaay too much searching, is the chair:

I’ve got big plans for making it look a little spiffier, but we’ll see if those plans ever actually materialize.  Also, I still need to find a gliding ottoman.  But maybe I’ll just bite the bullet , do my husband a favor and buy a new one.  Whew!

today we attended two classes at a local baby store.  the first one was all about car seats and was pretty helpful in at least defining some of the basic different types of seats and some of the crucial safety information that will help to make sure they’re being installed correctly.  The second class was called “cloth diapering 101” and was chock full of very helpful info!  It was also chock full of participants!  She gave a great overview of the different types of cloth diapers and ended by introducing a diaper that she’s actually invented herself that isn’t quite yet on the market, but should be very soon (as in, hopefully later this week).  We were both impressed that this new diaper will be produced as locally as possible (factories in north Wisconsin and Chicago) with materials sourced locally as much as possible too.  Plus, the features of it sounded like a really fantastic option for us.  I’m so relieved that we both agreed about this without a ton of discussion!  It was a little weird to be in the class with mostly pregnant or baby-carrying couples, but since I was in the front row, I just sort of ignored the rest of the group and decided not to try to explain ourselves.  It was a fun coincidence to meet up with a couple of friends who had signed up for the class too, so that helped me to feel less awkward.  Attending classes like this certainly make me feel more like this is really going to happen and even if it takes longer than we think it will, I feel better knowing this information now–much less panicked and like I have no idea what I’m doing.

We’re also getting the nursery even closer to being ready.  I took the plunge and bought a crib mattress this week.  We finally found a glider last week, but that deserves its own post, so I’ll wait until I’ve got photos.  I also got a light to go over the glider, another frame for some artwork….just feels like we’re wrapping up some key details.  Oh, and the quilt’s getting closer to done.  Have I mentioned the quilt yet?  Photos soon….