very slowly, i’ve been telling a few of my library patrons here and there about our adoption plans. today i realized what a luxury it is (in some ways) to have an “incognito pregnancy.” i’ve been out shopping with girlfriends when they’re very visibly pregnant. e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. they meet has to say something about it to them. “Oh, you’re pregnant! When are you due? What are you having? Have you decided on a name yet? Here’s my unsolicited advice blahblahblah….” Whereas I can choose to share that information, or not share that information as I choose. Sometimes I don’t share because maybe I’m tired of talking about it. Sometimes I don’t share because it’s just too complicated to explain that we’re matched but that she could change her mind or he could come early or etc, etc. Sometimes I don’t share because it’s just none of their business. But pregnant people don’t always have that option.
Thinking about that also made me think about C and what it would be like to have everyone asking you all of those nosy questions above. Does she feel like she has to explain (and defend) her adoption plan to each nosy stranger that asks? Does she just smile and nod?
Granted, we’ll likely have to deal with other nosy stranger questions for the rest of our lives, “oh, is he yours?” “where’s he from?” “who’s his real mom?” “you know, I knew this one guy who was adopted and he was so messed up.”
Yep. I think I’ll do my best to savor this last stretch of anonymity.
3 comments ↓
It’s bad enough when complete strangers tell you that you’re “getting so big!” ( I almost told a supermarket cashier to cram it a few days ago) but I can imagine that trying to explain a story as complicated as adoption is best done in stages with sympathetic ears!
For all the insensitive comments one endures during pregnancy (for me it was mostly people pointing out just how big I got, like I needed reminding), I think the ignorance is tenfold with adoption. It’s unfortunate. My own mother has said some things that really make me cringe. I think it’s partly a generational thing. Open adoptions, transracial adoptions, international adoptions…all are much more common than when she was having kids, so I try and forgive her for some of that. I actually know a lot about these issues because my cousin is going through this process now (and has for years) and we have had many, many long talks about the issues and assumptions surrounding adoption. It’s tough. I think the best you can do is tell people what you can when you’re ready and do your best to educate them, even if it’s frustrating.
k – i’m just stuck on:
*“you know, I knew this one guy who was adopted and he was so messed up.”*
DO PEOPLE REALLY SAY SUCH THINGS?!?!?!?
sadly, i know the answer to that one. and i just cant wait to come up with a really good comeback for it.
i mean, how many people do you know who are messed up and arent adopted?
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