Entries from July 2009 ↓

one of my friends asked:
“How does setting up the nursery feel? Does it feel fun, hopeful or does it make you a little blue? Do you enjoy looking for the stuff, or does it feel like another hoop and something you need to check off a list? I can see how it could easily be some of everything.”

i thought that perhaps others of you might have wondered this same thing, so i’ll post my reply to her here:

It doesn’t feel like a “hoop” because it’s something that ALL expectant parents do. It makes me feel normal and like this is really going to happen. I was worried that setting up the nursery would be more depressing than it turned out to be. (I’m even having a little big of fun!) I think it’s because right now we’re in a really hopeful spot. Our agency says lots of really promising things about how quickly matches can sometimes happen. Of course, they don’t ALWAYS happen quickly, but I’ve decided to let myself be optimistic at this point. It’s not like being pessimistic will help me to feel any BETTER lately if a match doesn’t happen quickly. Plus, I AM optimistic that I’ll have plenty of things to keep me busy whether a baby comes or not. This coming semester, I’m adding a 140-hour practicum to my 80% work week, so I’ll in essence be working full-time for the first time in 4 years (i know, boo-hoo, right?). And if that’s not enough to keep my mind busy, I’ve got a big secret quilting project idea that I need to talk to a business-minded person about to see if I can make it work… So with my practicum starting up in about a month or so, I thought it would be a good idea to get a nursery at least somewhat put together now, while i actually have a little free time to think about it. I’m basically thinking of myself as “pregnant,” just with an unknown due date.

i’m reading a photo-essay book entitled, “Be My Baby: parents and children talk about adoption” that caught my eye at the library. some of the essays are very interesting–some are celebrities, some are interracial, some are open, some are semi-open and some are closed. there’s both international and domestic, private and agency. the book is divided into 4 sections–interviews with the parents, interviews with the kids, interviews with some of the kids after they’ve grown into adults, and a small section from birthparents. one quote that caught my attention was from one of the kids who said,

“I think everybody should understand what adoption is, because if they have the wrong ideas and a chance comes for them to adopt and raise a child, they’re not going to take it because they’ll be scared of what they don’t know.” –Jared

I think this is one of the reasons I write this blog. Before all of the infertility issues cropped up, I’d never particularly pictured myself becoming an adoptive parent. I didn’t think it was anything bad (I’ve got several cousins who were adopted, so it’s not unfamiliar) and I wasn’t overtly “scared” of it… adoption was just one of those “fine for other people” kind of things. (yes, of course I did have some fears and now that I’ve done more research, many of those fears have been quelled….. and i’ve gained NEW fears! hooray!) I know that some people feel called to adopt, or have always thought that this was their life path, but it took me awhile to really get here. And just like lots of life-path-changing decisions or events, you too could find yourself in a position to adopt. and i share these few thoughts so that maybe, if the opportunity presented itself, you wouldn’t be scared.

today i was at st. vinnie’s poking around for a possible dresser that could be converted into a changing table and although i didn’t find quite the thing i was looking for in that department, i wandered around the store for a few minutes to see if anything else caught my eye (because, why not?) and i noticed a sign advertising 50% off of any infant, size 0 clothing. i thumbed through the rack to see if any, non-gender-specific pieces caught my eye and couldn’t leave without these pieces:

if you can’t read the words on this jumper they say, “the lion is the bravest because he can jump through hoops [oshkosh].” I’m personally a little befuddled by this quote and puzzled as to why it’s on a baby’s outfit. first of all, do lions even jump through hoops anymore? Did they ever? I thought it was tigers. or chihuahuas. second of all, is that REALLY the best demonstration of the lion’s bravery? that he can jump through hoops? Not because he can survive out in the wild, chasing down herds of zebra? Not because he’s the “King of the Jungle” (and hey, do lions live in jungles? did I get that quote right?)? But for ME, I had to get this because of all of the “hoop-jumping” I’ve been doing lately. this jumper makes ME feel brave. too bad it doesn’t come in my size. Plus, the little loose red threads for the mane were just so CUUUUTE!

this one says, “tell me a story baby” and … do i even need to explain why this one had to come home with me? All told, these two pieces cost me all of $1.50, so the risks of purchasing them were pretty low. and now i’ve got some clothes to put into that dresser/changing table. if i ever find it.

we’re working on setting up a nursery.  i think i mentioned before that this was an “assignment” given to us by our placement agency because it a) gets us ready for a baby who might arrive with very little advance warning and b) because (some) birthmothers like to see photos of a decorated nursery.  so… just like any expectant parents, we are clearing out a room and filling it with baby things.  as we’ve worked on the project this weekend, i sat in the room and marveled at how this process sort of mirrors the larger process of adding a baby to our family and the schedule and lifestyle adjustments that will entail.  we’re moving furniture and other things into other rooms, and those rooms now feel a little more full, and we’re getting rid of some things and adding new things.

one of the big pieces of furniture that we need to get is a crib.  i did a little online browsing tonight to see what’s out there and… like most things in life… there’s a wiiiiide range of options.  should we go with a craigslist bargain?  (assuming it meets all safety standards, of course) or should we go to a big box store (IKEA, Target, Babies R Us)?  or should we purchase one of the handmade, responsibly-sourced-wood beauties from this etsy shop?  what’s the most responsible thing to do?  choose something cheap because the baby may not even ever sleep in a crib (prefering a co-sleeper or the Amby Baby Hammock that my sister swears by instead)?  choose something beautiful and durable that supports an individual craftsman who uses responsible building practices?

i sort of love having a non-adoption-specific dilemma.

Hello?  Is anyone out there?  This is your official invitation to say “hello” to me.  It would be nice to know who’s actually reading this blog.  I’ve told a few people about this website and I know that some of you read it occasionally, but I’d find it helpful and encouraging to hear back from you.  I, myself, have a terrible habit of lurking on other people’s blogs, but I”m trying to break myself of the habit and reach out to other writers with comments whenever I can.  So here’s the deal:  if you are reading this post (whether that is later today or 10 years from the date this post is published), please leave a comment below.  It doesn’t have to be fancy, you can really just say “hello.”  If I don’t know you “in real life,” I’d love to hear how you found my blog.  If you are traveling through your own adoption journey, I’d love to know that too.  If you are a big fat meanie who might leave nasty, snide remarks, (or SPAM!), consider yourself exempt from this invitation.  Otherwise…. I’m looking forward to knowing my readers!

p.s.  if you’d rather remain anonymous, you can pick a pseudonym, but then maybe you could tell me what state or country you live in just so I have an idea of where my readers come from.

p.p.s. if you are a friend of mine and you wish you could remember to read my blog more often, but you usually forget to check it, go discover the joys of Google Reader OR ask me how you can receive these blog posts as an e-mail each time they’re published.

Whenever life takes a turn in some new direction, my response tends to be to throw myself headfirst into training for or learning about the new direction.  I submerge myself in new ideas, new ways of thinking and new practices and it sometimes borders on obsessive.  Adoption has been no different for me.  I have been reading and reading and reading and reading.  I’ve read books (and reviewed some on this blog), I’ve read blogs (a few are in my sidebar.  I”ll probably add more as time goes on), I’ve read handouts from my agencies, I’ve read through many entire threads on my placement agency’s forum, and I’ve read magazine articles.  I’ve learned so very much in the past few months from all of my reading.  It’s really been a huge time of growth for me.  I’ve tried to pass along some of the things I’ve learned here on this blog for you, my readers, but I’m pretty sure that most of you are not craving boatloads of  information on this topic the same way that I am, so I’ve tried to cull out only the most interesting, most educational tidbits to share with you.  And that’s what I’m bringing to you today.  I am still in the middle of reading one of the most extremely helpful books that I’ve encountered so far on the topic of open adoption.  It’s called The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Ruskai Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia and is the first book that I’ve read and thought that I should OWN for my own personal book collection.  If you REALLY want to know what this process is about–what it looks like from the adoptive parent side, what it looks like from the birthparent side, what it looks like on the day the baby is born, what it looks like when they’re teenagers, etc.–I highly recommend reading this entire book.  If you don’t really need to know that much information, but you still are curious about what “open adoption” really means and why I’m feeling so excited about it, then I recommend reading chapter 2 of this book.  It’s title is the same as this post and is only about 20 pages long and it is the best argument for open adoption that I’ve read so far.  Here are a few teaser excerpts:

“If you have reservations about open adoption, you are not alone.  Furthermore, your concerns are normal, especially since you have grown up believing adoption should be confidential.  Coming around to the benefits of open adoption requires an emotional change–not just a change in your thinking… [T]hrough open adoption you can gradually gain a powerful sense of comfort.  It is a feeling of relief that comes from grieving for the losses you have experienced as well as for those you are afraid you may experience, and from accepting that these losses are what make adoption different from other ways of forming families.”

They go on to briefly list all of the different fears that both birth and adoptive parents bring to the adoption relationship and then point out,

“Many of these fears are present in confidential [“closed”] adoptions, too.  But such worries can be suppressed more easily in confidential adoption because the birth parents are not physically present, and the risk therefore seems farther away.  In fact, the failure to directly confront the source of one’s fears often intensifies these feelings.  They become an invisible threat that is frightening.

“In open adoption, the discomfort level these fears create is almost impossible to ignore.  As a result, worries can be dealt with at the start and are not allowed to simmer and build.”

The chapter then goes on to elaborate on pretty much all of the big fears that people have when entering into an adoption situation and then either debunk the fear or say why facing the fear openly and honestly is more healthy for EVERYONE in the long run.

For me, the biggest fear used to be that the birthmother would change her mind.  After all of the reading I’ve done recently, that fear no longer has teeth.  It’s not that I think it won’t happen (it very well could!), or that I don’t think it would be extremely emotionally painful (it would!) but I have a better understanding of what a birthparent goes through when they make this enormous decision and the lifelong ramifications it can have on their lives.  I now realize that if we’ve developed enough of a relationship with the birthmother before the baby arrives, it will probably be very painful for us to witness her make this final decision.   I think the book even describes this shared emotional pain as being an adoptive parents “labor pains” and it points out that walking this path will lay a foundation for the future when we will be able to tell our child about how much his/her first mother loved her/him because we have seen how difficult this decision was, but–in the end–how she made the decision because she truly believed that it was in the child’s best interest.  But in order for her to have made that thoughtful decision, she needs to have FULLY explored the possibility of parenting her child.  If she has doubts when she signs the adoption papers, they will likely turn to regret later on and that’s not good.  So instead of being afraid of my birthparent re-considering her options, I actually WANT her to fully consider parenting her child and all of the ramifications of both decisions so that she can be absolutely certain that this is the right path for her and her child.

(Did that paragraph make sense to you?  It’s late at night as I type this, and I feel like I’ve maybe left out a lot of background knowledge, so if this confuses you, or if it brings up questions or strong reactions, please tell me in the Comments section and I’ll try to clarify.)

What fears do you have about adoption?  Even if you yourself are not adopting, what fears do you have for us?  Or just in general about adoption?

A few months ago, while reading someone else’s blog, I came across a reference to the essay, “Welcome to Holland” which is often shared as a metaphor for what it’s like to have a child who is diagnosed with some sort of disability (perhaps specifically Down Syndrome?  I’m not certain…).  The author of the blog described the essay as being one that is thought-provoking and meaningful the first time you read it, but tiresome after the 50th time someone refers to it.  If you’ve never read it, click on the link above and read through it.  It’s short.  I’ll wait.

Doodedoodedooo….  Hmhmmmhmmm….. *various elevator music songs play here*

Okay, are you done reading that one?  Well, we got a big packet of mail today from our Texas adoption agency and one of the many brightly colored pieces of paper inside was a photocopied Dear Abby column that included a new variation for adoptive parents (who have struggled with infertility) that she titled, “Different Trips to the Same Place” which doesn’t have nearly the catchy ring of the other essay’s title, but we’ll forgive that.  Luckily, some other clever person has already typed that one up and posted it on the web too, so click on the title above to read the full (also short) essay.  (I was tickled by the title of the blog that the link goes to!)  Anyway, I found the essay to be moving and meaningful, but we’ll see how I feel about it in a year or so.

when i came home from work today, i was surprised to see this bloom in my front yard.  a few years ago, before she moved, a friend gave me a large, shallow pot with an assortment of plants–one was a cactus.  I am a terrible plant host and this poor pot has sat outside for several winters, through ice and snow, it’s grown full of weeds and everything in it looks pretty pitiful.  i did add one or two plants to the pot, but the weeds have pretty much taken over.  the cactus–which is the only original plant that hasn’t died, i think– just looks sorta flat and has a few brown spots and i was honestly shocked that it hadn’t shriveled up and died years ago.  so when i drove up and saw this beautiful bloom on the cactus (along with 3 or 4 buds!) i was shocked!  i’m choosing to think of it as a good omen as we begin our journey to finding our texas baby.

today i mailed off two of the largest checks i’ve ever written, along with a pile of papers i’d signed, some even notarized. we still have a pretty hefty pile of paperwork to climb before we’re ready for THE BIG WAIT, but every stack that i send off brings us that much closer to our baby.

i’ve really been enjoying getting to know people better in the forum on our adoption agency’s website. it’s nice to know there are so many people out there who have traveled this exact same road before us.

oh, and i also told my family at the reunion this weekend that we were adopting and i really appreciated their interest in our story and this whole process and what “open adoption” really means. it’s sort of new territory for most people and sorting out the roles, the emotions and all of the other hairy details will be a challenge for me, but also for my family. I’m glad they’re willing to engage in the conversation. i think it’s going to last a looooong time.

today i mailed off two of the largest checks i’ve ever written, along with a pile of papers i’d signed, some even notarized. we still have a pretty hefty pile of paperwork to climb before we’re ready for THE BIG WAIT, but every stack that i send off brings us that much closer to our baby.

i’ve really been enjoying getting to know people better in the forum on our adoption agency’s website. it’s nice to know there are so many people out there who have traveled this exact same road before us.

oh, and i also told my family at the reunion this weekend that we were adopting and i really appreciated their interest in our story and this whole process and what “open adoption” really means. it’s sort of new territory for most people and sorting out the roles, the emotions and all of the other hairy details will be a challenge for me, but also for my family. I’m glad they’re willing to engage in the conversation. i think it’s going to last a looooong time.