on call

we are now on call. 24-7. she texted us the other night at 2:15 a.m. because she was in pain and thought it was labor. she had good reason to believe it was, in fact, labor, but when she finally went to the hospital a few hours later, they told her it was nothing to worry about, gave her some meds and sent her home. in the meantime, i didn’t get much sleep as i lay in bed pondering all of the implications of her original messages. what if she was really having the baby? are we ready? what needed to be packed? what projects at work needed to be resolved or passed along to someone else? who did i need to call? what did we still need to buy? what time did the earliest plane leave town and could we be ready in time to catch it? how long would we have to stay in the NICU if he arrived this early? we still haven’t been able to even choose a name! worry, worry worry… so i was relieved when i heard the doctor’s diagnosis, but the whole thing really brought it home that we are on call now. and it has sort of set me on full-alert. all the time. any day now we could get a call that she’s in labor or that the baby’s been born quickly and is already here, come hurry, or that she’s changed her mind and decided to parent this little guy. any of those calls would change the current course of our lives. and i have no control over any of it. and so i’m clinging to the things i do have control over (packing the bags, wrapping things up at work as fast as i can, buying the last few absolute necessities, making lists and lists and lists) to try to distract myself from the big things over which i have no control. i am holding on to this roller coaster ride for all i’m worth and trying to “enjoy” the ride. but please forgive me if i curl up on a high branch of the crazy tree, shrieking and throwing things at unfortunate passersby. i will eventually crawl down (yoga class tonight helped), but i can’t guarantee that i won’t be back up there again soon.