the story of how a family is created

so here’s another comment that i’ve gotten several times that i’m never really sure what to do with:

me:  we’re adopting!

friend:  oh, that’s so great!  there are so many needy children out there.

hmmm…. sounds like a positive comment, right?  so I’m never quite sure how to respond to let the speaker know that we’re not adopting out of some high-minded altruistic motives.  We’re not hoping to “save” some child from a dreadful fate.  If we were, we’d probably be more actively pursuing special needs adoption or searching for a “waiting child” (the newer, more PC term for older kids in foster care or orphanages).  But if I tell my friend those qualifiers, do I look a little less charitable in their eyes?  Like maybe we’re too picky and demanding for wanting an infant?

I also don’t feel comfortable just smiling and not saying anything because I feel that sentiments like these reinforce the stereotypical beliefs that all adopted kids are being rescued from a life of poverty and dire circumstances.  That’s just not always true.  Sometimes it’s just not the right time in a mother’s life for her to raise a child.  Just because we happen to be at a good point in our lives to take on this responsibility doesn’t make us automatically better parents.

I was reading an online article by Jacquelyn Mitchard today and came across this quote (click on the quote to read the whole article):

There are some who believe that adoptive parents are selfless people who “choose” an “unwanted” child. But, in reality, our choice is the  same as any parent’s: a selfish wish to have a little bundle who loves you, for which you pay with selfless love until your very last moment on this earth.

which I thought said it perfectly.  We’re not altruistic saints.  We’re not doing this out of the goodness of our hearts.  We just want a (hopefully mostly healthy) baby, like any other parent-in-waiting.

now if I could only distill that into a polite but thorough soundbyte response for the next time I get that comment.

p.s. thanks for all of the positive feedback on the room (both here in the comments and in-person)!

we’ve got someone coming in this weekend to do some prep work on a window-replacement project in the nursery and since he’s going to board the window up for the next 3-4 weeks while we wait for the new window to be made, I thought I should probably get a photo today.  While there’s still some semblance of natural lighting in the room.  And even though I know some things will change in the room before we’re really DONE with it… you can get a general idea of what it will look like.  First, here’s the fabric that inspired the whole room.

the walls were already painted a red/orange color that looks very simliar to the red/orange in this fabric, plus i LOVE this fabric, so I decided (with a little input from J) to use it for the back of the baby quilt I’m working on.  We didn’t really want to paint over the red (a little bit of laziness on our part, but mostly because we liked the idea of bold color in the nursery) so i was thrilled to find a fabric that worked so well and which (I think) is relatively gender neutral.  I liked the fabric so much, in fact, that I decided to expand the motif further throughout the room.  I had considered ordering some vinyl wall decals from somewhere on etsy (or elsewhere online) but then remembered this post that I’d read awhile back and got excited about experimenting with that technique.  A little bit of cornstarch and hot water later, plus some solid color fabric I’d bought and… voila!

dots on the walls!  J isn’t crazy about them (they’re “not perfect circles”), but I love-ity love them.  here’s a shot of the whole room:

You can also see a sneak peek of the quilt that I’m working on, draped over the crib and the cribskirt I made out of the inspiration fabric.  I have a number of changes I’m still hoping to make to the room, but I couldn’t wait another 6 weeks to show it to you.  And lighting will always be a challenge in this room–window or no window, but I hope you can still get a good idea of what the nursery looks like.  Now to go and work on that quilt….

I’m guessing that this adventure we’re on may have lots of tiny victories and maybe a few big ones and today i was thrilled by one of the pretty darn small, but nonetheless thrilling victories. There’s a crib that I’ve been keeping my eye on at Target[dot]com. (I’ve probably mentioned it here before.) It didn’t appear to be available in stores (only online) and although it costs more than the IKEA crib, it’s just so much …. nicer. And it’s still WAY less than any other “modern” style crib I’ve seen (as in half of what other modern cribs cost when they’re on clearance). But when we finally made the decision to purchase it a few nights ago, I was sorely disappointed to find that the shipping costs were more than $75. yeesh. That increases our price for the crib. And decreased my ability to justify the higher expense. And so I decided to wait. And hope that it went on sale for free shipping or something. And then yesterday, I saw that someone had posted a review of the crib that indicated that a Target employee had told them that that crib was being discontinued. Nnnnnoooooooo!

So, imagine my surprise when I was in Target today and just happened to see that they had THE CRIB. THERE IN THE STORE. I asked a store clerk if it was actually in stock and…. IT WAS! No shipping fees. No 4-6 week wait. Not discontinued. Needless to say, the crib is now in my house. Albeit in pieces, but it is IN MY HOUSE! I hope to have nursery photos to show you soon. I’m waiting until I can do the big reveal. Yes, the happy dance did happen. woo! hoo!

i just wanted to take a minute to say thank you to all of our friends and family who, when first hearing about our plans to adopt responded with  “congratulations!” or “how exciting!” (some of you were even more excited than I was allowing myself to be!)  I’ve also gotten some pretty lukewarm responses from people–some just feel awkwardish and say, “oh!”  and I UNDERSTAND these responses–I may have given them myself at some point in the past–but I wish there was some way to communicate with society at large that this announcement is SORT OF like announcing that you’re pregnant.  You’re having a baby.  And it’s appropriate to at least say, “congratulations!” or “how exciting!” or even just “wow!”  I’ve mentioned our plans to a few of my high school friends over Facebook and (except for my best friend) none of them have actually replied at all.  It might just be coincidence, but… it feels a little … awkward.  Maybe it’s society’s way of (unconsciously) acknowledging the inherent grief involved in adoption.  Or maybe it’s just ancient history hanging on.

Today, in one of the books I was reading, the introduction to the book gave a very brief history of adoption and explained the background of why some of the cultural/racial differences exist.  Here’s an excerpt:

“Between 1945 and 1965 most of the country’s “waiting children” [children “waiting” to be adopted] came from middle- and upper-class white families.  Tens of thousands of white women found themselves forced to spend a period of time in maternity homes or were sent to another family’s home because they were bearing a child “out of wedlock” or a child not fathered by their husband.  Once they delivered, the girls or women were usually coerced into giving their infants to an agency or physician who would in turn offer the child to white adoptive parents…..

African American unwed mothers during this same twenty-year period…. were excluded from white-only maternity homes.  Black unmarried women or girls sometimes put their children up for adoption, but more often kept the babies, or, the babies were informally adopted by “other mothers”–aunts, grandmothers, friends and neighbors–so that extended families merged into other extended families, thus maintaining the historic practices of communal societies throughout Africa, Asia and North America.”  –from The Adoption Reader, ed. by Susan Wadia-Ells

I read that and suddenly a lot of the tension around transracial adoption makes much more sense.

The quote doesn’t have a whole lot to do with the original point of this post, but I still wanted to share it with you.

Thanks for reading.

yesterday, as I was on my run, I remembered the dream I’d had the night before in which I was attempting to lead a large crowd of people in a storytime (as I do frequently at work) only for some reason, instead of sitting at the front of the group, I was sitting in the crowd, near the front, but off to the side.  and one of the employees of my local adoption agency (who also attends my storytimes in real life, coincidentally) was at the front of the room.  she wasn’t try to lead the group (that was still supposed to be my job) but i was having a heck of a time trying to direct this storytime.  in fact, it was pretty much utter chaos.  so i finally just gave up and sang “The More We Get Together” as loudly as I could hoping I’d catch someone’s attention and to signify the end of the storytime so we could all just call it a day.  I remember my main feelings were those of being completely frustrated (and slightly panicked) that I wasn’t able to control this large group of people and worried that people would think I was a bad librarian.

Hmmmm…. think I’m feeling the “loss of control” that all of the adoption books talk about as being an inherent part of the process?

We’ve been working on putting together a nursery (I think I’ve mentioned this before) and in my hunt for a changing table/station/dresser I’ve been astounded at how much furniture can cost. It seems like the fashionable thing to do these days is to have a changing station with open shelves and keep everything in baskets, but I liked the idea of a dresser that can be used for much longer and which is less likely to have its contents dumped out by a curious toddler. after much internet poking, i found inspiration in this furniture makeover, this “changer” by amy coe, and the color combo of this crib (which we’re thinking about purchasing).  then, i went hunting at the local thrift shops.  dig & save wins again (and did you know that they’re in the process of fixing it up so it feels a little less… dumpy?)!  For those of you who aren’t local, the Dig & Save is sort of like an outlet store for a local thrift store chain.  What doesn’t sell (or isn’t nice enough to sell, or sometimes just if there’s overflow) at the full-price thrift shops goes to the Dig & Save where it’s priced by the pound (for clothing, linens, housewares) or by the piece, but CHEAP (furniture).  I’d been there once earlier this week but wasn’t inspired by anything.  This time, when I went, I found a 3-drawer dresser that looked promising.  With a price tag of $10, I was willing to gamble that it might be awesome… with a little fixing up.

here’s the before picture:

it’s got some chips in the veneer, the varnish on the top is sort of crumbly and it’s got some strange guk on the top corner, but i like the basic bones.  and, like i said–$10.  so… after two afternoons of sanding, patching, drilling and painting, here’s the after picture:

i love it!  (btw, those darker grey shadows at the tops of two of the drawers are just shadows–not a strip of gray paint.)  i even had the paint in my basement.  I also had the 1″ circle drill bit to make the holes.  i didn’t have to invest anything except the cost of the dresser.  and now i’ve got a piece that’s got a good story (better than, “i bought it online”) and if someone in the future colors on it with crayons, i know how to fix it without getting mad and if it’s not fixable…. well, it was cheap!  now, I just need to buy a changing pad.  I’ve got an idea for another little modification, but I’ll tell you about that when/if it happens.

one of my friends asked:
“How does setting up the nursery feel? Does it feel fun, hopeful or does it make you a little blue? Do you enjoy looking for the stuff, or does it feel like another hoop and something you need to check off a list? I can see how it could easily be some of everything.”

i thought that perhaps others of you might have wondered this same thing, so i’ll post my reply to her here:

It doesn’t feel like a “hoop” because it’s something that ALL expectant parents do. It makes me feel normal and like this is really going to happen. I was worried that setting up the nursery would be more depressing than it turned out to be. (I’m even having a little big of fun!) I think it’s because right now we’re in a really hopeful spot. Our agency says lots of really promising things about how quickly matches can sometimes happen. Of course, they don’t ALWAYS happen quickly, but I’ve decided to let myself be optimistic at this point. It’s not like being pessimistic will help me to feel any BETTER lately if a match doesn’t happen quickly. Plus, I AM optimistic that I’ll have plenty of things to keep me busy whether a baby comes or not. This coming semester, I’m adding a 140-hour practicum to my 80% work week, so I’ll in essence be working full-time for the first time in 4 years (i know, boo-hoo, right?). And if that’s not enough to keep my mind busy, I’ve got a big secret quilting project idea that I need to talk to a business-minded person about to see if I can make it work… So with my practicum starting up in about a month or so, I thought it would be a good idea to get a nursery at least somewhat put together now, while i actually have a little free time to think about it. I’m basically thinking of myself as “pregnant,” just with an unknown due date.

i’m reading a photo-essay book entitled, “Be My Baby: parents and children talk about adoption” that caught my eye at the library. some of the essays are very interesting–some are celebrities, some are interracial, some are open, some are semi-open and some are closed. there’s both international and domestic, private and agency. the book is divided into 4 sections–interviews with the parents, interviews with the kids, interviews with some of the kids after they’ve grown into adults, and a small section from birthparents. one quote that caught my attention was from one of the kids who said,

“I think everybody should understand what adoption is, because if they have the wrong ideas and a chance comes for them to adopt and raise a child, they’re not going to take it because they’ll be scared of what they don’t know.” –Jared

I think this is one of the reasons I write this blog. Before all of the infertility issues cropped up, I’d never particularly pictured myself becoming an adoptive parent. I didn’t think it was anything bad (I’ve got several cousins who were adopted, so it’s not unfamiliar) and I wasn’t overtly “scared” of it… adoption was just one of those “fine for other people” kind of things. (yes, of course I did have some fears and now that I’ve done more research, many of those fears have been quelled….. and i’ve gained NEW fears! hooray!) I know that some people feel called to adopt, or have always thought that this was their life path, but it took me awhile to really get here. And just like lots of life-path-changing decisions or events, you too could find yourself in a position to adopt. and i share these few thoughts so that maybe, if the opportunity presented itself, you wouldn’t be scared.

today i was at st. vinnie’s poking around for a possible dresser that could be converted into a changing table and although i didn’t find quite the thing i was looking for in that department, i wandered around the store for a few minutes to see if anything else caught my eye (because, why not?) and i noticed a sign advertising 50% off of any infant, size 0 clothing. i thumbed through the rack to see if any, non-gender-specific pieces caught my eye and couldn’t leave without these pieces:

if you can’t read the words on this jumper they say, “the lion is the bravest because he can jump through hoops [oshkosh].” I’m personally a little befuddled by this quote and puzzled as to why it’s on a baby’s outfit. first of all, do lions even jump through hoops anymore? Did they ever? I thought it was tigers. or chihuahuas. second of all, is that REALLY the best demonstration of the lion’s bravery? that he can jump through hoops? Not because he can survive out in the wild, chasing down herds of zebra? Not because he’s the “King of the Jungle” (and hey, do lions live in jungles? did I get that quote right?)? But for ME, I had to get this because of all of the “hoop-jumping” I’ve been doing lately. this jumper makes ME feel brave. too bad it doesn’t come in my size. Plus, the little loose red threads for the mane were just so CUUUUTE!

this one says, “tell me a story baby” and … do i even need to explain why this one had to come home with me? All told, these two pieces cost me all of $1.50, so the risks of purchasing them were pretty low. and now i’ve got some clothes to put into that dresser/changing table. if i ever find it.

we’re working on setting up a nursery.  i think i mentioned before that this was an “assignment” given to us by our placement agency because it a) gets us ready for a baby who might arrive with very little advance warning and b) because (some) birthmothers like to see photos of a decorated nursery.  so… just like any expectant parents, we are clearing out a room and filling it with baby things.  as we’ve worked on the project this weekend, i sat in the room and marveled at how this process sort of mirrors the larger process of adding a baby to our family and the schedule and lifestyle adjustments that will entail.  we’re moving furniture and other things into other rooms, and those rooms now feel a little more full, and we’re getting rid of some things and adding new things.

one of the big pieces of furniture that we need to get is a crib.  i did a little online browsing tonight to see what’s out there and… like most things in life… there’s a wiiiiide range of options.  should we go with a craigslist bargain?  (assuming it meets all safety standards, of course) or should we go to a big box store (IKEA, Target, Babies R Us)?  or should we purchase one of the handmade, responsibly-sourced-wood beauties from this etsy shop?  what’s the most responsible thing to do?  choose something cheap because the baby may not even ever sleep in a crib (prefering a co-sleeper or the Amby Baby Hammock that my sister swears by instead)?  choose something beautiful and durable that supports an individual craftsman who uses responsible building practices?

i sort of love having a non-adoption-specific dilemma.