so here’s another comment that i’ve gotten several times that i’m never really sure what to do with:
me: we’re adopting!
friend: oh, that’s so great! there are so many needy children out there.
hmmm…. sounds like a positive comment, right? so I’m never quite sure how to respond to let the speaker know that we’re not adopting out of some high-minded altruistic motives. We’re not hoping to “save” some child from a dreadful fate. If we were, we’d probably be more actively pursuing special needs adoption or searching for a “waiting child” (the newer, more PC term for older kids in foster care or orphanages). But if I tell my friend those qualifiers, do I look a little less charitable in their eyes? Like maybe we’re too picky and demanding for wanting an infant?
I also don’t feel comfortable just smiling and not saying anything because I feel that sentiments like these reinforce the stereotypical beliefs that all adopted kids are being rescued from a life of poverty and dire circumstances. That’s just not always true. Sometimes it’s just not the right time in a mother’s life for her to raise a child. Just because we happen to be at a good point in our lives to take on this responsibility doesn’t make us automatically better parents.
I was reading an online article by Jacquelyn Mitchard today and came across this quote (click on the quote to read the whole article):
which I thought said it perfectly. We’re not altruistic saints. We’re not doing this out of the goodness of our hearts. We just want a (hopefully mostly healthy) baby, like any other parent-in-waiting.
now if I could only distill that into a polite but thorough soundbyte response for the next time I get that comment.
p.s. thanks for all of the positive feedback on the room (both here in the comments and in-person)!
5 comments ↓
Carissa, that’s so true! I agree. Had I felt more altruistic about creating my family, I would never really have considered IVF or other methods and gone straight to adoption… Let me know if you come up with a good comment to say back 🙂
I hate when people say stuff like that…I guess they just don’t know what to say sometimes. I’ve seriously been called Angelina 3 times. And told I’m “such a saint” for doing this.
Maybe the last sentence in the quote could be rephrased in your words for a response.
We often hear the comment, “what a fortunate baby.” I always reply, “we’re the fortunate ones.” And happy ones, too.
I agree with Momma, “actually we just want to have a baby, like any other “parents-in-waiting.'” Sounds like a perfect response to me! I always appreciate your thoughtful analysis.
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