the story of how a family is created

Hello?  Is anyone out there?  This is your official invitation to say “hello” to me.  It would be nice to know who’s actually reading this blog.  I’ve told a few people about this website and I know that some of you read it occasionally, but I’d find it helpful and encouraging to hear back from you.  I, myself, have a terrible habit of lurking on other people’s blogs, but I”m trying to break myself of the habit and reach out to other writers with comments whenever I can.  So here’s the deal:  if you are reading this post (whether that is later today or 10 years from the date this post is published), please leave a comment below.  It doesn’t have to be fancy, you can really just say “hello.”  If I don’t know you “in real life,” I’d love to hear how you found my blog.  If you are traveling through your own adoption journey, I’d love to know that too.  If you are a big fat meanie who might leave nasty, snide remarks, (or SPAM!), consider yourself exempt from this invitation.  Otherwise…. I’m looking forward to knowing my readers!

p.s.  if you’d rather remain anonymous, you can pick a pseudonym, but then maybe you could tell me what state or country you live in just so I have an idea of where my readers come from.

p.p.s. if you are a friend of mine and you wish you could remember to read my blog more often, but you usually forget to check it, go discover the joys of Google Reader OR ask me how you can receive these blog posts as an e-mail each time they’re published.

Whenever life takes a turn in some new direction, my response tends to be to throw myself headfirst into training for or learning about the new direction.  I submerge myself in new ideas, new ways of thinking and new practices and it sometimes borders on obsessive.  Adoption has been no different for me.  I have been reading and reading and reading and reading.  I’ve read books (and reviewed some on this blog), I’ve read blogs (a few are in my sidebar.  I”ll probably add more as time goes on), I’ve read handouts from my agencies, I’ve read through many entire threads on my placement agency’s forum, and I’ve read magazine articles.  I’ve learned so very much in the past few months from all of my reading.  It’s really been a huge time of growth for me.  I’ve tried to pass along some of the things I’ve learned here on this blog for you, my readers, but I’m pretty sure that most of you are not craving boatloads of  information on this topic the same way that I am, so I’ve tried to cull out only the most interesting, most educational tidbits to share with you.  And that’s what I’m bringing to you today.  I am still in the middle of reading one of the most extremely helpful books that I’ve encountered so far on the topic of open adoption.  It’s called The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Ruskai Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia and is the first book that I’ve read and thought that I should OWN for my own personal book collection.  If you REALLY want to know what this process is about–what it looks like from the adoptive parent side, what it looks like from the birthparent side, what it looks like on the day the baby is born, what it looks like when they’re teenagers, etc.–I highly recommend reading this entire book.  If you don’t really need to know that much information, but you still are curious about what “open adoption” really means and why I’m feeling so excited about it, then I recommend reading chapter 2 of this book.  It’s title is the same as this post and is only about 20 pages long and it is the best argument for open adoption that I’ve read so far.  Here are a few teaser excerpts:

“If you have reservations about open adoption, you are not alone.  Furthermore, your concerns are normal, especially since you have grown up believing adoption should be confidential.  Coming around to the benefits of open adoption requires an emotional change–not just a change in your thinking… [T]hrough open adoption you can gradually gain a powerful sense of comfort.  It is a feeling of relief that comes from grieving for the losses you have experienced as well as for those you are afraid you may experience, and from accepting that these losses are what make adoption different from other ways of forming families.”

They go on to briefly list all of the different fears that both birth and adoptive parents bring to the adoption relationship and then point out,

“Many of these fears are present in confidential [“closed”] adoptions, too.  But such worries can be suppressed more easily in confidential adoption because the birth parents are not physically present, and the risk therefore seems farther away.  In fact, the failure to directly confront the source of one’s fears often intensifies these feelings.  They become an invisible threat that is frightening.

“In open adoption, the discomfort level these fears create is almost impossible to ignore.  As a result, worries can be dealt with at the start and are not allowed to simmer and build.”

The chapter then goes on to elaborate on pretty much all of the big fears that people have when entering into an adoption situation and then either debunk the fear or say why facing the fear openly and honestly is more healthy for EVERYONE in the long run.

For me, the biggest fear used to be that the birthmother would change her mind.  After all of the reading I’ve done recently, that fear no longer has teeth.  It’s not that I think it won’t happen (it very well could!), or that I don’t think it would be extremely emotionally painful (it would!) but I have a better understanding of what a birthparent goes through when they make this enormous decision and the lifelong ramifications it can have on their lives.  I now realize that if we’ve developed enough of a relationship with the birthmother before the baby arrives, it will probably be very painful for us to witness her make this final decision.   I think the book even describes this shared emotional pain as being an adoptive parents “labor pains” and it points out that walking this path will lay a foundation for the future when we will be able to tell our child about how much his/her first mother loved her/him because we have seen how difficult this decision was, but–in the end–how she made the decision because she truly believed that it was in the child’s best interest.  But in order for her to have made that thoughtful decision, she needs to have FULLY explored the possibility of parenting her child.  If she has doubts when she signs the adoption papers, they will likely turn to regret later on and that’s not good.  So instead of being afraid of my birthparent re-considering her options, I actually WANT her to fully consider parenting her child and all of the ramifications of both decisions so that she can be absolutely certain that this is the right path for her and her child.

(Did that paragraph make sense to you?  It’s late at night as I type this, and I feel like I’ve maybe left out a lot of background knowledge, so if this confuses you, or if it brings up questions or strong reactions, please tell me in the Comments section and I’ll try to clarify.)

What fears do you have about adoption?  Even if you yourself are not adopting, what fears do you have for us?  Or just in general about adoption?

A few months ago, while reading someone else’s blog, I came across a reference to the essay, “Welcome to Holland” which is often shared as a metaphor for what it’s like to have a child who is diagnosed with some sort of disability (perhaps specifically Down Syndrome?  I’m not certain…).  The author of the blog described the essay as being one that is thought-provoking and meaningful the first time you read it, but tiresome after the 50th time someone refers to it.  If you’ve never read it, click on the link above and read through it.  It’s short.  I’ll wait.

Doodedoodedooo….  Hmhmmmhmmm….. *various elevator music songs play here*

Okay, are you done reading that one?  Well, we got a big packet of mail today from our Texas adoption agency and one of the many brightly colored pieces of paper inside was a photocopied Dear Abby column that included a new variation for adoptive parents (who have struggled with infertility) that she titled, “Different Trips to the Same Place” which doesn’t have nearly the catchy ring of the other essay’s title, but we’ll forgive that.  Luckily, some other clever person has already typed that one up and posted it on the web too, so click on the title above to read the full (also short) essay.  (I was tickled by the title of the blog that the link goes to!)  Anyway, I found the essay to be moving and meaningful, but we’ll see how I feel about it in a year or so.

when i came home from work today, i was surprised to see this bloom in my front yard.  a few years ago, before she moved, a friend gave me a large, shallow pot with an assortment of plants–one was a cactus.  I am a terrible plant host and this poor pot has sat outside for several winters, through ice and snow, it’s grown full of weeds and everything in it looks pretty pitiful.  i did add one or two plants to the pot, but the weeds have pretty much taken over.  the cactus–which is the only original plant that hasn’t died, i think– just looks sorta flat and has a few brown spots and i was honestly shocked that it hadn’t shriveled up and died years ago.  so when i drove up and saw this beautiful bloom on the cactus (along with 3 or 4 buds!) i was shocked!  i’m choosing to think of it as a good omen as we begin our journey to finding our texas baby.

today i mailed off two of the largest checks i’ve ever written, along with a pile of papers i’d signed, some even notarized. we still have a pretty hefty pile of paperwork to climb before we’re ready for THE BIG WAIT, but every stack that i send off brings us that much closer to our baby.

i’ve really been enjoying getting to know people better in the forum on our adoption agency’s website. it’s nice to know there are so many people out there who have traveled this exact same road before us.

oh, and i also told my family at the reunion this weekend that we were adopting and i really appreciated their interest in our story and this whole process and what “open adoption” really means. it’s sort of new territory for most people and sorting out the roles, the emotions and all of the other hairy details will be a challenge for me, but also for my family. I’m glad they’re willing to engage in the conversation. i think it’s going to last a looooong time.

today i mailed off two of the largest checks i’ve ever written, along with a pile of papers i’d signed, some even notarized. we still have a pretty hefty pile of paperwork to climb before we’re ready for THE BIG WAIT, but every stack that i send off brings us that much closer to our baby.

i’ve really been enjoying getting to know people better in the forum on our adoption agency’s website. it’s nice to know there are so many people out there who have traveled this exact same road before us.

oh, and i also told my family at the reunion this weekend that we were adopting and i really appreciated their interest in our story and this whole process and what “open adoption” really means. it’s sort of new territory for most people and sorting out the roles, the emotions and all of the other hairy details will be a challenge for me, but also for my family. I’m glad they’re willing to engage in the conversation. i think it’s going to last a looooong time.

i learned a lot about open adoption last weekend.  and it must have made a big impression on me because today at work, i was having a discussion with a nanny who used to come to storytime with a different kid than she comes with now.  we got into a conversation about the first kid and she made a comment that made me ask if he’d been adopted.  she replied that he had and that his parents were lucky to get him.  then, she went on to tell me that they had had 4 matches fall through before they got him (she mentioned something about him “costing more than $100, 000 before it was all over” which made me cringe–and NOT because of the dollar amount*) and that he had 3 older siblings that his mother had “kept” ** and so when she requested an open adoption relationship with the adoptive parents, they apparently said no.  i’m not clear, from her conversation, whether this nanny (who I think was friends with the couple before she was their nanny) actually gave the couple this advice, or if they made this decision on their own, but her point-of-view was indignant and something along the lines of “no way.  you don’t GET to be a partial parent to this kid.  I mean, what are you going to tell him about why you gave him away when you kept the first three?”

okay, there are SO many things about this statement that go against what I’ve been recently learning, and some of them were revelations to me the first time I heard them, so I’ll share them here in case they’re new thoughts for any of you.

a)  there’s a good chance that the birthmother really struggled to make this decision, but in the end, she decided that it was the best choice for her son.  Perhaps there were monetary reasons she couldn’t afford to raise him.  Perhaps there were other reasons.  Regardless of her reasons, it takes a strong person–very strong–to look realistically at their life situation and say honestly, I can’t do this right now.  I need to find a different home for my child.  The fact that she has three older children just gives her a more realistic viewpoint.

b)  open adoption doesn’t mean co-parenting.  although j doesn’t find this analogy helpful, i liked the book that compared birthparents to in-laws–you both have someone mutual that you care deeply for and because of that, you become family.  the only difference is that in open adoption, you’re choosing your “in-laws” and oftentimes the match you accept is with someone who shares similar likes/dislikes/life philosophies.  generally speaking, birthparents respect the adoptive parents’ rights to make decisions about how the child will be raised and tend to support rather than undermine those decisions.

c)  actually, my first reaction to this statement was a feeling of intense sadness for this kid who will never really know his birthfamily (and three siblings!) and who (at least by the nanny) might get the sense that his birthmother is a bad person.  no one wants to feel like they’ve come from bad or unworthy parentage.  it makes them feel bad about themselves!

d) just the phrase “give them away” **… one of our speakers this weekend said she doesn’t even like the more common phrase “to place a child” and perfers “to entrust a child.”  no one really gives away a child lightly.  and even in the few cases where that might be true?  no child wants to feel like they’re so worthless that they were “given away” like an old pair of shoes.

e) oh, and also?  many of those details of his life are pieces of information that are personal to him and should be his own story to share should he choose to do so.  if, in the future, i ever withold specific details about our child (eep!  there’s that phrase again!) it’s not because I’m being sneaky or secretive because there’s something shameful per se.  it’s just that many of those details aren’t my own story to tell.

okay, enough preaching.  i’m off to bed.  g’night!

*adoptive parents pay for the fees and services necessary to bring their child home.  they’re not “buying a child.”  oh, and also?  that’s really rather personal information that you don’t really want your nanny to drop in casual conversation.  for furture reference.

**new phrase:  “chosen to parent.”

whew.  after a rollercoaster ride of emotions all weekend, we’re back home, safe and sound.   on our second San Antonio day, we met 7 people who had worked with our agency in one capacity or another.  Most were birthmothers, but there was also a birth grandmother, a birth father and an adoptive parent and her baby.  As they each told their stories with heart-rending honesty, I think we all gained a deeper understanding of the emotions that birthparents go through–and not just in the few days after their baby is born, but for a very long time afterwards (probably forever, but no one on the panel had had their baby more than 3 years ago).  Some of their stories were absolutely incredible.

We shared lunch with them (yum, brisket!) and after lunch, they went home and we stayed to listen to some discussions of legal stuff, money stuff, and then did some role-playing.  just for fun, there was a crossword “contest” with some of the legal terms and, J and I being eldest siblings and therefore competitive, we won!  our prize was a package of onesies and my first reaction was, “great!  now i’ve got a shower gift for the next baby shower and don’t have to go shopping!”  and my second reaction was, “oh wait.  these are for our baby.”  wow.  it has been a long a bumpy road and i know the bumps aren’t over yet, but at least i believe that we are now on the right road and we will get there.  sometime.

we ended the day with dinner at the Alamo Cafe where the agency staff plied us with margaritas (even I drank one!), Mexican food, fresh tortillas and bowls of queso.  Then it was back to the hotel for some late-night chatting with our new friends and then hugs and goodbyes.  Who knows when/if we’ll ever meet again in person?  And when we do… will we all have kids in tow?

For now, it’s back to real life and one more big push of paperwork.

we arrived in texas safely today.  there were birds flying around inside the detroit airport where we had a few hours layover.  i tried to get some photos, but they flew away too quickly.  we were able to rent a prius (and had a little bit of trouble figuring out the whole push-button ignition thing, but eventually got it) even though the rental agent wasn’t sure if they had any left and told us something like, “Well, you know, with hybrids there aren’t a lot of options.  Really only Priuses.  Would you rather have another mid-size car?”  Um, no, we’d like to save money on gas and be nicer to the environment, if possible.  We’re not driving the Prius for the flashy styling.  Oddly enough, we saw NO other Priuses on the road between Austin and San Antonio, so…. maybe Priuses have a stigma here?  whatever.  we liked it.

we arrived at the hotel (after some frustrating Garmin-related getting lostedness) around 4:45 and the group wasn’t meeting until 6:45.  Jay and I checked in, brought our luggage into the room, and then discovered that we were both pretty hungry and didnt’ want to wait 2 hours for food…. so…. we went to Las Palapas.  yum.  🙂

We met the other 11 couples and had an evening gathering where we got to know everyone.  There were lots of laughs.  I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s full schedule, but I’m also really tired.  G’night everyone!

today, after MONTHS of irritating back-and-forth phone calls and messages with both our infertility clinic and our insurance, we finally got notice that the insurance paid the last, big bill from our last attempt at IVF (which was, may I remind you, at the end of January).  I know that we are extremely lucky to have insurance that will even consider paying for this type of treatment, and that I shouldn’t complain that they took so long, but there were a few moments during that months-long process that I began to panic that they wouldn’t pay after all (which wouldn’t have been the end of the world, of course, but would have put an unfortunate dent in our adoption funds) and I was just so ready to move on, beyond fertility treatments, and this one last little bit kept hanging on–like a loose tooth that wouldn’t come out.  And then today, we got the statement from the insurance.  The tooth is out.  and the tooth fairy has paid.  hallelujah.