it’s mother’s day eve and i’m filled with mixed emotions.  for one thing, today is also known as “birthmother’s day” ( i sent “C” some videos and a text message with a photo to recognize the holiday earlier today.  i’m not sure though…. can you say “Happy Birthmother’s Day”?  Is it that sort of holiday?) so “C” has been on my mind a lot today.  for another thing, the ghosts of mother’s day past have been haunting me for the past few weeks.  i still get that same shuddery jolt whenever i run into a large display of flowers or candy or breakfast meat (seriously. this morning at the grocery store, there was a whole section of bacon and sausages and maybe even ham marketed as being ‘perfect for breakfast in bed for mom.’  apparently moms like meat on their breakfast trays.) that are being sold under the banner of mother’s day.  for the past five years, mother’s day has made me want to hide in a hole.  it was the double whammy of not only not having the child i so desperately wanted, and (therefore) also not being celebrated when all of my friends were being lauded for their motherhood.  ouchie ouch.  and so now, even though i have a beautiful son and i have every right to be celebrated tomorrow (breakfast meats or no), these old habits die hard.  this morning on weekend edition they were featuring stories about motherhood.  a friend of mine invited me (and other mother friends of ours) to attend a local event where people will read essays about motherhood.  those things, for some reason, still make me want to crawl in a hole.  old habits and deep wounds die hard, i guess.