tonight, driving in the car, i realized that i may, possibly have found the balance point between believing , 100%, that this baby will one day be ours and believing, also 100%, that he won’t and that a different baby is out there waiting for us instead.  how is that possible?  to believe both?  100%?  i’m really not sure.  i’m not so good with the math these days, but  it’s as though i’m standing in a hallway and if i look over in one direction i can see one room where we are at home with this baby boy, starting our new family, losing lots of sleep, probably bursting into tears a lot, and being happier than i can even imagine and if i look over in the opposite direction i can see us in a different room, learning that C has chosen to parent this child and I can see us jumping back into the pool to wait for another expectant mother to decide that maybe she could entrust her child to us (because nothing else in our story has worked on the first try, so why should this be any different?).  But I’m still in the hallway, not really allowing myself to go into either of those rooms.  Okay, maybe i’ve poked my head into the first room a few times and more often than the second room (can you blame me?) but when I think about this out of the corner of my eye, I can’t quite imagine it really happening.  I can’t quite imagine that this REALLY might work out.  But the hallway is safe and familiar.  From here, I’ve watched so many other families being born.  I’m always on the outside, looking in and wondering what it’s really like to have this little squishy being in your lives ALL THE TIME and needing so much care and attention and winning so much of your love…

I realized today that I’ve been sort of holding myself back around “C.”  I never say anything like, “When you give us the baby” or “After we get the baby” because that feels presumptous.  She hasn’t yet made (and legally can not yet make) her final decision and I don’t want to assume that she will choose to place him with us.  But I also haven’t ever said, “I’m getting so excited!” (instead, I’ll say, “this is getting so exciting!” subtle difference, I know) and I try not to talk too much about plans for after the baby is born (other than some basic logistical details) because i somehow feel that words like that might pressure her and I don’t ever want to be seen as coercive.  J pointed out tonight that at this point, we are all (C, J and I) assuming that she will place.  She has never given us any indication that she’s ever thought of changing her mind, so how could me saying that I’m getting excited about the baby be seen as coercive?  Is it even possible to coerce someone to do something that they’re already planning to do?

This article keeps running around in the back of my mind and I wonder if I’m cheating myself out of happiness.  Curse you, infertility clouds that still cast shadows over my life!