for those of you who have kids and who had to decide on a name by discussing it with a spouse who had different opinions than you did…. imagine the fun we’re having adding a third person (who has slightly different priorities and comes from a slightly different background than we do) into the mix.  yep.  good fun.  sigh.

tonight i babysat for some friends.  The baby cried.  I tried to feed her (since her dad had told me she’d probably be hungry soon).  no dice.  i checked to see if she was wet.  she shrieked louder.  i tried several different holds–they’d each work for a few bounces, then she’d get mad again.  i finally swaddled her, swayed, shushed and patted and she eventually fell asleep.  but probably 15 minutes later she woke up again.  We shared a nice few moments where she smiled at me and then it either slowly dawned on her that she was hungry or that i was unfamiliar and she started to cry again.  i tried to feed her, but as soon as she’d get a mouthful, she’d start screaming, just mad as heck.  So this dance of trying to figure out what to do went on for awhile (i won’t bore you with the rest of the play-by-play).  I was pleased to notice that her distress caused me less panic now than it used to when I babysat in high school (yay!) but I was dismayed to think that maybe the reason that she was upset was perhaps simply because i was NOT-THE-MAMA.  Now, normally, since I am obviously NOT the mama, this wouldn’t really bother me.  But tonight, it got me thinking.  They say that infants recognize their mother by smell the moment they are born.  What if my kid knows I’m NOT-THE-MAMA?  What if, even if that’s not the case, what if I WORRY that that’s why my kid is inconsolable some evening?  Because of their “primal loss”?  Will I ever feel settled into my role as THE MAMA?  Is this how dads (even biological ones) feel all the time because they don’t smell like THE MAMA either?  Or is it not as big of an issue for them?

The good news is that by the time her dad came home, she’d been asleep (albeit restlessly) for awhile and stayed asleep at least until I left.

And now my wrists ache.  Was I doing something wrong?  Must start building up wrist muscles….