tonight i babysat for some friends. The baby cried. I tried to feed her (since her dad had told me she’d probably be hungry soon). no dice. i checked to see if she was wet. she shrieked louder. i tried several different holds–they’d each work for a few bounces, then she’d get mad again. i finally swaddled her, swayed, shushed and patted and she eventually fell asleep. but probably 15 minutes later she woke up again. We shared a nice few moments where she smiled at me and then it either slowly dawned on her that she was hungry or that i was unfamiliar and she started to cry again. i tried to feed her, but as soon as she’d get a mouthful, she’d start screaming, just mad as heck. So this dance of trying to figure out what to do went on for awhile (i won’t bore you with the rest of the play-by-play). I was pleased to notice that her distress caused me less panic now than it used to when I babysat in high school (yay!) but I was dismayed to think that maybe the reason that she was upset was perhaps simply because i was NOT-THE-MAMA. Now, normally, since I am obviously NOT the mama, this wouldn’t really bother me. But tonight, it got me thinking. They say that infants recognize their mother by smell the moment they are born. What if my kid knows I’m NOT-THE-MAMA? What if, even if that’s not the case, what if I WORRY that that’s why my kid is inconsolable some evening? Because of their “primal loss”? Will I ever feel settled into my role as THE MAMA? Is this how dads (even biological ones) feel all the time because they don’t smell like THE MAMA either? Or is it not as big of an issue for them?
The good news is that by the time her dad came home, she’d been asleep (albeit restlessly) for awhile and stayed asleep at least until I left.
And now my wrists ache. Was I doing something wrong? Must start building up wrist muscles….
6 comments ↓
Here’s hoping you don’t get too many inconsolable moments. But, in case you do, remember: Babies cry, even for THE MAMA. Some more than others: my nephew had colic and would scream his head off for two hours every night, no matter what we (or THE MAMA) did. (I think eventually an anti-gas remedy decreased the duration and intensity of the cry). With your own baby, (and yes, this baby will be your own baby and you will be THE MAMA and he will pretty quickly recognize YOUR smell as well as J’s) your experience with him will teach you what things he likes – does he prefer side-to-side or up-and-down motion? Does he want to be walked or rocked? Fast or slow? Held this way or that? My cousin (who now has four children) said that he was able to ‘figure out’ each of his babies, to know how to calm them. Other people’s infants? He just can’t get. Someday, someone else will be trying to calm your baby, and it just won’t work quite well for them, until you, THE MAMA, hold him.
Some of the best pre-baby advice a friend gave me was, “take care of your wrists.” Let’s talk about the other stuff in person, o.k.?
-Ivy’s Mama
Katie’s right; Inconsolable crying happens to every baby, regardless of whether or not you are “the mama”! Every parent gets those “ohmygodwhatonearthisthematterwithyou??” moments.
Yep, agreed with all above comments…and here’s betting you don’t get a 12 pounder 🙂
It can be frustrating, sometimes… it won’t take long at all for your baby to recognize you as the MAMA and you will be who he wants. There’s a book about soothing infants that we found (somewhat) helpful… “happiest baby on the block”. There are the “5 S’s” Sometimes Levi needed all 5 and sometimes he needed a couple more that we never figured out…
This doesn’t sound like a case of NOT-THE-MAMA’s, this sounds like a case of PURPLE crying.
http://thedadjam.com/baby/the-period-of-purple-crying/
Shawn and I found this information comforting when we couldn’t sooth Luke and we wished we would have known it with Colin. When Colin was going through this stage there were times I just kept hoping his Mom would come and pick him up and make the crying stop, then I’d realize, “wait, I am the Mom, shoot.”
One theory on why babies go through this phase is they try to figure out who will come and try to make them stop crying and to see if you stop loving them if they are hard to love. So, when your baby is completely un-consolable realize that he’s trying to figure out who’s his MAMA.
Of course, she may have just had an itchy tag, or a gassy tummy, or had a reaction to something she ate (or even mommy ate, if she’s breast feeding), or etc etc.
Since I’m the Dad of said child, thought I should chime in. In all fairness, I think in this case it could be because of someone unfamiliar. I guess if it helps to label things you could call it “Purple” crying but its not her typical nightly behavior when her mother has her, so (I think the labels kinda funny personally)…some could call it normal as Katie & blogapotamus describe.
She (the baby) within the last week has become more aware of when she’s being left (set down and someone leaves the room) or if the person she’s with is not the one she wants. I’ve had recent evenings where she just doesn’t get settled enough, but when I hand her over to her mother she’s fine. As frustrating as it is, I think its great as it marks a sign of her awareness of her surroundings. But I also blame myself for being to quick sometimes to want to pass her off so everyone’s ‘happy’ again.
A phrase I’ve realized again and again at this point is that regardless of the phase of development a child is under, the notion of “This too shall pass.” is paramount. Good or bad. The fun times disappear in the same cycles that the frustrating do. Making time for your own sanity during those frustrating times is important. Take care of yourself first at those moments, then the child. I don’t say this to seem unresponsive to the infant, more so that if I need to ‘take a break’ from the crying–do so. Its far better to do that than to get frustrated to the point of acting in a way that’s not you. Likewise, I think there’s something to be said for the baby to learn to try and satisfy themselves at times–all part of the fun of figuring them out!
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