the story of how a family is created

i wrote a few book reviews way back when (wow!   he looks so tiny in those pictures!) and it’s high time I give a shout out to some more favorites that have appeared in our nightly book rotation-so-mama-doesn’t-get-bored stack.

All the World by Liz Garton Scanlon, illus by Marla Frazee (who received a Caldecott Honor Medal for this book)

I LOVE the illustrations in this book.  I love Marla Frazee in general (see Everywhere Babies reviewed in last book review post), but this one reminds me of the best of my favorite childhood illustrator, Hilary Knight (who is a MAN!  Did you know that?).  There’s a subtle running storyline in the pictures and you can search for different people who crop up throughout the book and think about the relationships between those people.  There’s some lovely interracial relationships depicted and the illustrations include a pair of women (at least one of whom is gray-haired) who ride a tandem bicycle through many of the pages, a Hispanic-looking grandfather and his three grandchildren, a farmer’s market, a couple of mamas carrying their babies in slings…. And the words are this beautiful poet with juicy words that end with the couplet:  “Hope and peace and love and trust/ all the world is all of us” and although I don’t think it was written to be a tear-jerker, I had to read the book several times before I could get through the end without getting choked up.

Tumble me Tumbily by Karen Baicker, illus by Sam Williams

I first encountered this book as a series of board books at my mom’s house.  I think I’d seen them before at the library, but they hadn’t caught my eye and they were rhyme-y which I hated before Baby Dude came along (ah.  I get it now.  RHYME-Y is GOOD!  But only if it’s GOOD rhyme-y).  Anyway, this book is actually better as a hardcover than a board book because for some reason the board book editor thought it was necessary to add the phrase “The End” to the end of each of the board books and it always felt very … abrupt.  and awkward.  Once again, I’ll start by saying how much I love the illustrations in this book because there’s such a variety of skin tones!  There’s even one dreamy picture in the first section that looks like it might be a Hispanic kid kissing a Caucasian mama, but some versions of the book are more contrasted than others so I’m not sure.  Maybe that’s the point.  Anyway, I like it.  I especially love the two-page spreads that introduce each of the three sections of the book (“Tumble me tumbily” “Yum Tummy Tickly” and “Snuggle Me Snuggly”)–they are so bright and happy and cheerful, but not in an obnoxious way at all.  The text is pretty good rhyme-y, but there were a few phrases that tripped me up the first few times I read them until I figured out where to put the emPHAsis.  It’s a nice way to move from morning-time awakeness to eating time to sleepy time.

Baby Bear’s Chairs/Books/Big Dreams by Jane Yolen, illus by Melissa Sweet

This is a trio of books (dare I hope that more might someday be in the works?) about a cute little bear and his bear family.  I finally figured out the other day why Melissa Sweet’s illustrations looked so familiar–she’s done lots of design work for the game company, Ee-Boo and I’m always so tempted by their games and products, mostly because of the illustrations by Melissa Sweet.  In these three books, she’s created a world that I’d like to crawl into and live for a little while.  The bears have great decorating taste and fashion sense and baby bear has the cutest favorite stuffie–a honeybee!  And then there’ the text, written by the wonderful Jane Yolen.  Again, these books RHYME, but the rhythm and meter are impeccable and the storylines are super cute too.  Especially in Baby Bear’s Big Dreams–all about what he’s going to do when he’s older “because that’s what big bears always do”–totally reminds me of some of my favorite books as a kid (Hey Mom, remember Molly Moves Out?).  Love these books.

One Naked Baby written and illus by Maggie Smith

SUCH a cute book about a little boy who starts out naked right after a bath, then he visits “two fat cats” who look an awful lot like our two fat cats and then eventually he gets dressed and goes out into the spring day, splashes in some mud puddles and I’ll let you guess where the book ends up.  Once again, great rhyming (I’ve got this one pretty much memorized.  To me, that’s one mark of a well-written rhyme.) and cute little storyline, but it’s the illustrations that make me drool and want to hop inside the book.  Seriously.  I’ve been contemplating sewing myself a skirt just like the one the mama in this book is wearing.  Oh, and maybe also one of the toy penguins lying around on the floor on one of the pages.  I also love that the house in the book makes no attempt to hide the clutter, but instead of tilting stacks of junkmail and wads of dirty tissues like my house has, it’s littered with the cutest toys and inquisitive kitties!

When Baby Dude gets old enough to start having opinions about the books we read, I’ll be sure to include his viewpoint, but for now, I’ll just assume that since he leans back into me and watches the pages go by when we read them before bed, occasionally patting the pages if he really likes the illustration, that he likes these books too.  Of course, he’s a bit at my mercy for the moment.  Lucky me.

so i knew that adding a baby to the family would drastically alter my schedule, but a few things that have dropped out of the frequent rotation that have surprised me a bit include:

exercise (although i did manage a bike ride AND a run with the jogging stroller this week, so maybe there’s hope?)

petting my kitties.  poor kitties.

eating vegan (i just don’t have the time to plan a full day’s meals that are meat and dairy free anymore)

blogging (maybe if uploading photos didn’t take so long…. seriously.  there are SO many unwritten blog posts floating around in my head…)

getting pictures and videos off of my cameras, sorting through them and putting interesting ones online.

cleaning the house–especially vacuuming.  i mean, i don’t want to do it when he’s awake and in the same room as me for fear of startling him or it just being so loud for his ears and I don’t want to do it when he’s asleep for fear of waking him up.  sigh.

taking pictures of random beauty (it’s hard to tote my “big black camera” when I’m also hauling a baby and a diaper bag around.  Even harder to actually take photos while holding the baby.)

keeping up with certain things on my Google Reader that I used to love.  Like the Fresh Modern Quilts Flickr pool.  And Pioneer Woman’s food blog.  And pretty much all of my photography blogs.

sewing, lately (I think I’ve got a bit of a mental block going on with this.  like I feel like I need to clean the house or do something else virtuous in order to “earn” time in the sewing room, but by the time I’ve finished said virtuous task, the baby is awake again and needing my attention.)

giving myself personal challenges or resolutions (like “I’m going to blog once a day for a month!” or “I’m going to eat vegan once a week for a year!” or “I’m going to do at least 10 minutes of yoga a day”).  I’ve been trying to decide if giving up these types of quantity goals for awhile and just giving myself a break would be a good idea (less guilt when I don’t do ANYTHING on a particularly regular basis) or if I’d just become lazy.  Maybe my current challenge could be “I’m going to not beat myself up over dropped balls at least until after Baby Dude’s first birthday.”  HA.  I love my optimism that even considers that life might get EASIER with a one-year old!  Maybe 5th birthday would be a better deadline?

and yet, there are also some things that I HAVE managed to do that completely surprise me like:

picking raspberries at a friend’s house and making (somewhat seedless) raspberry freezer jam AND apricot freezer jam

reading the book “The Creative Family” by Amanda Blake Soule (I’m 3/4 of the way through.  with a non-fiction title.  about activity ideas I can do with my child in about 3 years or so.  ever so useful now.  But it’s compelling and a surprisingly quick read.  and it’s right beside my breakfast cereal bowl.  perhaps that last bit is the key.)

bake tomato and corn pie for dinner for myself when J was out of town in Chicago last week.  I love this dish and J’s pretty lukewarm about it and the baby was in a good mood (at least he was when I started.  by the end of the pie-making he was getting a bit impatient and I’d resorted to singing operatically at the top of my voice to distract him while my hands were covered in flour and pie dough and I just wanted to finish the darn thing and get it in the oven so I could give him my full attention.) and it did make for some excellent leftovers.  (I like to add a layer of thinly sliced zucchini to this pie too.  And don’t cheat and use a pre-made crust because this dough is so biscuity and crusty and delicious that you really shouldn’t miss out.)

make some changes to my Facebook account to make it less daunting so that maybe I’ll actually start checking it again and manage to keep up with my friends.

I don’t think it’s JUST about my real priorities coming to the forefront.  Some of it has to do with the fact that Baby Dude seems to enjoy hanging out with me in the kitchen but not so much in the sewing room.  Some of it has to do with the fact that most of my recreational activities are now squeezed into the last 2-3 hours of the day when the baby is asleep and before I fall asleep too.  But yeah, some of it is probably my “real priorities.”  It feels like I’m choosing the “comfort food” versions of my daily activities instead of balancing them out with the “healthy food” bits of activities.  Sometimes it catches up with me and I realize that I HAVE to exercise soon or I will just burst with anxiety, but too much of the time, I find myself lured in to one brightly lit screen or another for most of an evening.

I think I’ll try to have a (mostly) screen-free day tomorrow.  Or maybe I won’t.

Here is a the classic “finalization photo with the judge” and no, we probably shouldn’t have both worn plaid, but oh well.

this isn’t the most in-focus picture of baby dude with his birthmother, but i love the expression on both of their faces.

and here I am making a strange smiling-while-chewing-my-food face at one of the few dude ranch activities we got to fully enjoy–the campfire cowboy breakfast.  Complete with serenading, guitar-strumming cowboy (you can actually see about half of his guitar beside that tree trunk in the photo below) and a “hayride” to and from the site.

just a post (no photos for now, i’m too exhausted) to let you know that we returned home this evening from our last required trip to Texas for baby dude’s adoption process.  we are finalized!  no more hoops! woo hoooooooo!

the legal part of the trip was actually very easy and even a little bit fun since we were one of nine families from our agency that were finalizing that day.  it was sort of a mini-reunion of our orientation group and what fun to see all of these people that we’d met just over a year ago, heard their stories about how they’d come to make the adoption decision, and here we all were with beautiful children.  awesome.

we snuck out a little early to drive 2 hours south of the city to pick up baby dude’s birthfamily to bring them along to camp.  Every summer, the adoption agency hosts this big reunion at a ranch near San Antonio and anyone affiliated with the agency is eligible to attend for the weekend.  I would say that our experience at the rance was a little …. mixed.  It was really the first “not-just-to-visit-family” vacation thing we’ve done with baby dude and it quickly became clear to me that i would need to adjust my expectations of what all could be accomplished (horseback riding? not really.  tubing down the river?  uh-uh.).  plus, baby dude and i both had yucky colds (stuffy sniffles, a little cough and a fever–super uncomfortable in the 100 degree weather!) which really put the brakes on our ability to really take advantage of the fun possibilities of the ranch.  I also found myself torn between wanting to have really deep conversations with the other adoptive families who were there and feeling like we needed to spend as much time as possible with baby dudes’ birthfamily because they so rarely get to see him and his birthmother especially has told me how much she misses him.  i noticed the same thing was true for other adoptive families who were there with their child’s birthmothers.  I know that it’s important for us to spend time with the birthfamilies, but I don’t know if the ranch (did I mention that it was 100 degrees? and that it wasn’t a particularly inexpensive place to stay?) was an absolutely necessary part of that particular equation.  I almost wonder if baby dude’s birthfamily wouldn’t have enjoyed a more private vacation with us instead–where we could just focus on each other without these distractions.  But perhaps my views are skewed because I spent so much time in the (thankfully air-conditioned) cabin sleeping off my cold.  bleh.

positive parts of the weekend included a “hayride” to a fantastic cowboy campfire breakfast (with the largest skillet of scrambled eggs i’ve ever seen!), snippets of really wonderful conversations that I did manage to sneak in with other adoptive families around the edges of other activities (hmmm… maybe that’s a motherhood thing?  no more long, heartfelt chats because someone’s kid always needs attention?), oddly enough–not feeling self-conscious about feeding my baby a bottle of formula because i knew no one there would judge me for not breastfeeding him, meeting baby dude’s birthmother’s new boyfriend that we’ve heard so much about (he’s a really nice guy and seemed surprisingly comfortable around all of this chaos), interesting conversations with baby dude’s birthmother on the way to and from camp, and seeing her have a chance to snuggle with baby dude and admire his little chubby baby self and his big beautiful smile.

i’ll attempt to post photos sometime this week….

i feel like a lot of the posts that I’ve written since bringing baby dude home have been a little less reflective–haven’t dug as deeply into the trenches of emotion–than some of my early posts.  I know that some of the most meaningful posts that I read on other adoptive blogs are the ones where parents talk about the raw, true emotions they’re feeling and so, although I’m a little nervous and feel like what I have to say isn’t very eloquent at this point, I’d like to explore here one of the rabbit-holes my mind has been floating down lately.  If I say something really embarrassing or offensive, will someone please send me a gentle heads-up?

after reading one of her quotes in Adoptive Families magazine, I had to find Alison Boynton Noyce’s blog, “They’re all my own” and add it to my (trying to be whittled DOWN, not up) Google Reader. Over the past two days, I’ve read her entire blog.  In short, she is an adult adoptee with two daughters by birth (both old enough to not be living at home anymore) and two elementary-age sons adopted from Ethiopia.  She writes a great blog with some fantastic reflections on transracial families, being an adoptee and being a mother to both adopted and biological children.

In one of her posts, she was reflecting on an unexpected side effect of finally meeting her birthparents as an adult.  She was surprised that the event seemed to change how other people viewed the family she was raised in.  Here’s a quote:

“I remember telling a story that involved my mom.  One of my dearest friends stopped me mid-sentence and asked me which mom I meant.  I couldn’t believe it.  I realized that in spite of my clear explanation, that was how people saw it.  That my mother suddenly shared equal billing in her role in my life was really painful for me.”

Wow.  That quote has opened up a whole interesting nest of emotions in me.  I’m still exploring all of those emotions, but I’ll see if I can articulate my immediate responses.

1.  Is this same feeling shared by children of open adoption who have known both their birthmother and adoptive mother their whole life?

2.  I am Baby Dude’s full-time*, everyday mother and the one that he will grow up knowing as “mom” and when he tells his friends a story about “my mom” he’ll be talking about me.  why is that such a revelation?

3.  I will be eternally grateful to Baby Dude’s birthmother, but maybe I don’t always have to feel like I’m his “second [choice] mother.”  (Did you know that one of the other euphemisms for a birthmother is “first mother”?  While it is technically true, I often feel like it implies that I am then a second mother and for some reason my mind always inserts that bracketed word (or sometimes the word “best” instead) into the phrase as well, so I don’t find myself often using that particular term.)

4.  At one point in the many readings we did to prepare ourselves for adoption, I came across an author who talked about adoptive parents needing to feel “entitled to be the child’s parents.”  Now the word “entitlement” often carries a lot of ugly baggage with it, but let’s just look at the phrase for what it is.  It’s simply pointing out that adoptive parents need to feel like it’s okay for them to be, 100%, that child’s parents and not constantly be second-guessing themselves or being so tentative that they become ineffective parents.  I’d like to read more research about that concept, but I haven’t had a chance to yet.  Actually, I just did an online search and I found this link that is exactly what I’m talking about, so if what I’ve said sounds confusing, bumbling or offensive in any way, go read this so you can see what I MEANT to say.

5.  Although I don’t believe that children in open adoption are ever “confused” about the different roles that their birthparents and adoptive parents play in their lives, I’ve read that it’s pretty common for them to wish at some point that they had grown in their (adoptive) mom’s “tummy.”  I understand that this is usually just a desire to be like most of their friends but is it also a way for them to claim their adoptive mother as their own?  To say, “You are the one that I know as my mom.”?  I think that in one of her posts, Alison Boynton Noyce said that it was frustrating to her that people always felt the need to qualify/clarify her mom as “her adoptive mom” instead of just “her mom.”  Do all adoptees feel like this?  Do most?  Will Baby Dude?

6.  I’m not sure if this story is directly related to this issue, but it’s sort of tangled up in it and I can’t find anywhere that I’ve already discussed it, so here it is now:   In the early days of getting used to the idea of adoption, I once confessed to a dear friend that I was worried that I’d always feel like I was just babysitting some kid and she, a mother of two beautiful daughters, looked at me and wisely replied, “well, that’s all any of us do really.  I’ve never felt a sense of ownership about my children.  They are simply human beings that I get to care for and do my best to guide them safely to adulthood.”  (okay, that’s a pretty broad paraphrase and I”m pretty sure there was originally something in there about loving them too, but you get the gist.)  I found this conversation oddly comforting.

7.  Shouldn’t I have ironed out all of these emotions before diving into the world of adoption?  Or is this like the grief of infertility where you’re always discovering new layers and permutations hiding in places you had no idea you were holding on to?  And although it gets much easier to deal with over time, there will always be some little thing that can trigger those emotions/questions/griefs and you’re right back in the thick of it?

*can i still say that if he’s in daycare 4 days a week?

This past weekend we were in Kansas celebrating the life of Gabriel’s Great Grandpa Bob who passed away after a very long struggle with a disease similar to Parkinson’s.  I was so thankful that we had been able to stop and visit Great Grandpa (and the rest of the family in Kansas) on our way home from Texas in March.  The last few times we’ve visited Grandpa he seemed less and less like the man who had trained J to drive a tractor and move irrigation pipes on the farm out in Western Kansas.  In March, his speech was so slurred that the only phrase we understood clearly the entire time we were there was, “Jay.  Can.  I.  Hold.  Gabriel?” and of course we agreed right away.  In the photo above, you can see that Grandma was a bit nervous about it at first and I sort of love that their two hands are holding Gabriel together and he’s just sleeping away through the whole thing.  What a wonderful last memory for us to share.

Gabriel was an amazing traveler considering we made two 12-hour trips within the span of four days (and they usually take about 11 hours, so he didn’t add much time to the travel at all!) and only got fussy for a short period of time once per trip and the rest of the time slept or played with the few new dangly toys I’d purchased for the trip or stared at the books I’d brought along.  Such a good sport.

We also very much enjoyed the unexpected opportunity to have Gabriel meet Auntie Liz and Uncle Rob and the cousins before Christmas.  We missed Auntie Teresa and Uncle Sheldon (who are due to have twins sometime in the next month or so, I believe, and were unable to travel), but got to video chat with them on Friday.  It was just so nice to get to spend time with the extended family.  This family has seen some very sudden and sad funerals over the past 10 years and so this one, which was not unexpected or premature was truly a celebration of his life well-lived and the wonderful family that he helped to create.

this past week baby dude had his 4-month check-up.  apparently, he’s in the 61st percentile for weight and the 15th for height.  i think he’ll fit in well with our family.  🙂  of course, each visit to the doctor nowadays comes packaged with some immunization shots.  this time there was a trainee nurse, so the two nurses coordinated their efforts and i think he got stuck with all three needles at the same time (J was holding him this time, i had to busy myself in another corner of the examination room) which was better (i think) for him than three separate stick-experiences, but still very ouchy and he let us know it.  poor baby dude.

we also have begun the paperwork with the lawyer who is helping us with our finalization in court at the end of this month*.  it feels sort of like when you’re in a plane and you’re approaching your destination.  you’re told to fasten your seatbelts and return your trays to their fully upright and locked positions and you get that sense of excited anticipation because you know that you’re about to reach the end of your journey.  i know this is really only the beginning of our journey of parenthood, but this is the last legal step in our adoption proceedings and i can’t believe it’s here so quickly.  we traveled to texas for our orientation with the adoption agency only slightly more than a year ago.  and here we are, traveling back again as parents.  i know that the finalization is really only a legal formality and that we’ve been a family for several months now, but i’m still looking forward to taking this last step.

while we’re in texas, we’re hoping to be able to visit with baby dude’s birthmother again and also maybe catch up with some of our orientation buddies at the annual retreat (for all 3 members of the adoption triad plus the agency workers themselves) that our adoption agency happens to be hosting that weekend.  it will definitely be a trip of a lifetime.

*in case you’re unfamiliar with the adoption process, finalization is when you show up in court, usually about six months after placement, and the judge decrees that you are now the child’s legal parents and you can officially change their last name on their birth certificate.  I’m not sure about how other states do it, but in Texas, we’re not worried about anyone changing their mind at the finalization hearing (as soon as placement takes place, it’s more-or-less a sure thing except in some rare cases where fraud occurs) and baby dude’s birthmother isn’t required to appear in court (unlike the laws in our state), and it only takes about 15 minutes, but we do have to show up in person.

last week my parents came up to visit and to be present for baby dude’s dedication at church.  instead of infant baptism, Mennonites do (or at least our congregation does) baby dedication ceremonies where we recognize that children are a gift from God and the congregation agrees to support the growth and faith development  of the child and to offer support and wisdom to the parents as well.  here are a few of my favorite photos from their time here:

*thanks for the grandparent-name inspiration, menno-daddy!

today was baby dude’s first day of daycare.  when i was growing up, i always pictured myself as a stay-at-home mom (likely because my own mother stayed at home with us), but now that i’m an adult and have a job that i love, this feels like the right decision for us at  least for now.  in the weeks leading up to this day I worried that it would be difficult for me to leave him at a daycare.  Would the first few days be really tough?  Would I miss him every second and wonder if he was doing okay?

As it turned out, yesterday, I didn’t feel so well–achy all over, sensitive skin, some digestive issues–and then a few hours after I’d passed the baby off to J begging some time to nap and try to recuperate, J started to get the ouchy skin and the general exhaustion that I was feeling too.  Ack!  One of the things I’d been dreading–what do you do when BOTH parents are sick at the same time?  I lay in bed last night fantasizing about asking if anyone at church would like to be our “Emergency Grandma”–willing to come spend the night in rare situations like this and take care of the baby so we could both rest and get better.

And so this morning, when I woke up still feeling pretty puny, but because of huge work obligations not feeling like I could stay home,* I gathered up all of the things I needed to take to the daycare, packed up the baby and some bland food for myself, and headed off to the daycare center.  We’ve met with them several times and I had a casual acquaintance with one of the daycare owners before she opened this center and I feel like their philosophies seem to mesh well with our own, plus they are a Spanish immersion center which is just icing on the cake as far as I’m concerned.  So when I walked in this morning to drop off the baby and was going over instructions and details and suddenly felt so light-headed that I had to lie on the floor for a little bit, I ended up feeling a huge sense of relief that I wasn’t going to be in charge of baby dude’s well-being for a large chunk of today.  I only had to take care of myself and get through three programs at work, but no small helpless being was going to rely on me for taking care of basic needs.  ahhhhhhh…..  bliss.  and it was even more icing on the cake when i got to stop by at lunch and give him a bottle and see that he was completely happy there and when i picked him up, one of the daycare owners referred to him as “mr. mellow” and everyone just said he was the nicest baby and i just know that he was well taken care of, well-entertained and … does it make me a bad mother that I didn’t feel even a twinge of guilt for dropping him off for his first day of daycare?

*the Snake Guy came to the library.  He comes about every 2 years and I think I’ve missed the last two much to my co-workers’ chagrin.  He always draws huge crowds and this year was no exception (I think I counted 289 participants).