still more excerpts from an e-mail

more explanation about why we have to choose TWO agencies:

Basically, the agency here will do our home study and education classes and will “hold our hand” on this end, guiding us to the best choices.  But this local agency doesn’t deal with the birthmother side of things.  (Agency #3, which only does in-state adoptions would handle both ends of the adoption, but the social worker at #4 pointed out that in our state, the birthmother has SIX MONTHS to change her mind and she is required to  go to court and state, on the witness stand, multiple times, that she understands what she’s doing and that it’s forever and yes, she does want to relinquish her child into the care of these other people and…. understandably a lot of birthmothers apparently sort of break down at that point and change their minds.  #4 had seen this happen way too often, and she’s decided not to do in-state adoptions because of that.)  The “away” agency will deal with the birthmothers, with the “matching” process (and yes, generally the birthmother chooses the adoptive parents from a pool of applicants, so we’ll have to craft a very careful letter of introduction and perhaps even a scrap-book style photo album about ourselves.  at first, this seemed sort of creepy and advertise-y, but since i tend to enjoy packaging and branding and stuff, this will be the ultimate “packaging” quest–to package our lives in hopes of finding the best birthmother match.), and will, in some cases help handle some of the legal aspects.  My understanding is that SOME local agencies might strongly suggest a particular agency once they’re familiar with your specific case, but this agency seems to want to give us more control.  Which, like I said, isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  I mean, we’ll be working with the “away” agency at LEAST as much as the local agency if not more.

[i respond:]  we’re actually doing pretty good on that front.  in some ways, this is less personally stressful than the infertility stuff–I mean, we don’t have to get shot up with hormones galore, or ride the monthly emotional roller coaster.  Maybe it’s just because we haven’t actually started the paperwork part of the process, but so far, we’ve been following our guts and whenever we both agree about something, that’s the direction we go.  I’m sure it will get intense and frustrating at some point, but right now, since we have clear (ish) steps to follow and since there’s a good chance that when this ordeal is all over we’ll have a baby to bring home…. i’m finding myself doing a better job of relaxing and remembering that my child-free days are numbered (granted, it might be a BIG number) and I’m going to take full advantage of them for as long as i can.

[my friend writes:]   Thanks for writing about where you are in the decision making process. Is it helpful for you to write this down and put it out there?

[I respond:]  It IS helpful, if for no other reason than that if I want to share this story with someone, I can just give them the briefest summary and if they want more details, I can send them to my blog for “catch-up.” Plus, I’ve read so many other blogs of people going through this and I
find it helpful.  Hopefully, someday, someone will find what I’ve written to be helpful.  And if not, well, maybe someday our kid(s) will want to read it?