unpredictable

for about four years now, I’ve been arranging my life (at least somewhat) according to the “what if.”  –I shouldn’t sign up to do another mini-marathon this year because what if I’m pregnant by the day of the race?–I shouldn’t make plans to travel out of the country by next March because what if I have a baby by then?–I should take this new job because it’s less hours and that will be nice when we’ve got childcare issues to contend with……  Now, I find myself with the same “what if’s” only compounded by the lack of a 9-month (give or take) known buffer zone AND a tiny dose of disbelief that this will ever REALLY happen (because, hey, we haven’t had a baby SO FAR, so maybe nothing that we ever try will ever bring a baby into this home*).  I’m currently grappling with the question of what class to enroll in next semester.  I’m on the one-class-at-a-time plan towards a master’s degree and I’m a little over halfway done with it.  Most of the classes that I have left to take can be taken online.  There’s only one more in-person class left on my list of requirements.  It’s offered about once a year (some of the other classes on my list are only offered every other year) and next semester it’s being taught by a professor that (at least most of the time) doesn’t drive me crazy.  The other class that fits into my schedule for next year is being taught online by a professor that does drive me a crazy a little bit more often.  And this will be the first time that class is being taught online.  AND it will be that professor’s first online class ever.  AAAAND the things that drive me a little crazy about her tend to center on certain communication misunderstandings.  Usually the misunderstandings happen over e-mail.

So the question is….. do I bite the bullet and take the online class on the off chance that we will get chosen and placed sometime before next May and the online class would offer more schedule flexibility?  Or do I risk taking the in-person class and possibly ending up with an “F” for failing to complete the course IF we get the call and have to go to Texas and also become new parents?  I e-mailed that professor to ask what would happen if I had to leave mid-semester to go meet my child and the response was something to the effect of, “well, if you don’t think you’d be in Texas for longer than a week or so, it would probably be okay.  Assuming you can resume classes as soon as you return.”  HA!  Do you think he’d say that to a pregnant student that went into labor early?  “well, as long as you wouldn’t be in the hospital for more than one week.  And could resume classes right after you bring the baby home.”  Am I being overly sensitive here?  I’m just tired of that feeling of irritation that happens when I realize that something that I avoided “just in case of baby” could have been done after all.  And if there ISN’T a baby before next May, I’d really like to have this last in-person class out of the way!

Also, I’m just getting really tired of not having control over my own life.  I know that sounds like I’m about 14 years old, but it’s a truth that has become apparent to me this week as I’ve gotten pouty about all sorts of things that aren’t going “my way” that wouldn’t normally be quite as big of a deal as I’ve been acting like they are now.  My apologies to everyone who’s had to put up with me.  And also advance apologies because although I’m now more aware of why I’m feeling like this, I can’t guarantee that I won’t still try to take control over every little thing that I think I can.  I hope you can forgive me.  I hope I can forgive me.  And I hope I can make a decision one way or another about which class to take.

*this is the really bleak voice that sometimes whispers into the back of my brain.  I mostly try to ignore it.