i learned a lot about open adoption last weekend. and it must have made a big impression on me because today at work, i was having a discussion with a nanny who used to come to storytime with a different kid than she comes with now. we got into a conversation about the first kid and she made a comment that made me ask if he’d been adopted. she replied that he had and that his parents were lucky to get him. then, she went on to tell me that they had had 4 matches fall through before they got him (she mentioned something about him “costing more than $100, 000 before it was all over” which made me cringe–and NOT because of the dollar amount*) and that he had 3 older siblings that his mother had “kept” ** and so when she requested an open adoption relationship with the adoptive parents, they apparently said no. i’m not clear, from her conversation, whether this nanny (who I think was friends with the couple before she was their nanny) actually gave the couple this advice, or if they made this decision on their own, but her point-of-view was indignant and something along the lines of “no way. you don’t GET to be a partial parent to this kid. I mean, what are you going to tell him about why you gave him away when you kept the first three?”
okay, there are SO many things about this statement that go against what I’ve been recently learning, and some of them were revelations to me the first time I heard them, so I’ll share them here in case they’re new thoughts for any of you.
a) there’s a good chance that the birthmother really struggled to make this decision, but in the end, she decided that it was the best choice for her son. Perhaps there were monetary reasons she couldn’t afford to raise him. Perhaps there were other reasons. Regardless of her reasons, it takes a strong person–very strong–to look realistically at their life situation and say honestly, I can’t do this right now. I need to find a different home for my child. The fact that she has three older children just gives her a more realistic viewpoint.
b) open adoption doesn’t mean co-parenting. although j doesn’t find this analogy helpful, i liked the book that compared birthparents to in-laws–you both have someone mutual that you care deeply for and because of that, you become family. the only difference is that in open adoption, you’re choosing your “in-laws” and oftentimes the match you accept is with someone who shares similar likes/dislikes/life philosophies. generally speaking, birthparents respect the adoptive parents’ rights to make decisions about how the child will be raised and tend to support rather than undermine those decisions.
c) actually, my first reaction to this statement was a feeling of intense sadness for this kid who will never really know his birthfamily (and three siblings!) and who (at least by the nanny) might get the sense that his birthmother is a bad person. no one wants to feel like they’ve come from bad or unworthy parentage. it makes them feel bad about themselves!
d) just the phrase “give them away” **… one of our speakers this weekend said she doesn’t even like the more common phrase “to place a child” and perfers “to entrust a child.” no one really gives away a child lightly. and even in the few cases where that might be true? no child wants to feel like they’re so worthless that they were “given away” like an old pair of shoes.
e) oh, and also? many of those details of his life are pieces of information that are personal to him and should be his own story to share should he choose to do so. if, in the future, i ever withold specific details about our child (eep! there’s that phrase again!) it’s not because I’m being sneaky or secretive because there’s something shameful per se. it’s just that many of those details aren’t my own story to tell.
okay, enough preaching. i’m off to bed. g’night!
*adoptive parents pay for the fees and services necessary to bring their child home. they’re not “buying a child.” oh, and also? that’s really rather personal information that you don’t really want your nanny to drop in casual conversation. for furture reference.
**new phrase: “chosen to parent.”