i cried during my 2-mile run when the chorus for Heaven by the Wailin’ Jennys came on. The rest of the song doesn’t really apply to my situation so much, but check out this chorus:

It’s a long and rugged road
and we don’t now where it’s headed
But we know it’s going to get us where we’re going
And when we find what we’re looking for
we’ll drop these bags and search no more
‘Cuz it’s going to feel like heaven when we’re home
It’s going to feel like heaven when we’re home

bam. that’s exactly it. songs take on different meanings for me right now. in fact, LOTS of things take on different meanings. I’m taking a Young Adult Literature class right now and this past week, we had to read a book in which the main character is coming to terms with his homosexuality. I found a personal connection to this character because in the same way that he is in denial for the first half of the book and thinks that his life is just like everyone else’s, he slowly admits to himself that his future is going to look different than he’d assumed it would look. Or at least different than his parents thought it would look. And that’s where I’m at right now. I’m having to change the way I picture my future. I’m having to give up the assumption that my kids will look anything like me. I’m having to give up the assumption that I will ever be pregnant. And I’m still somewhat in denial. And that’s a difficult place to be. But the longer I sit with these ideas, and the more frequently I picture myself in a mixed-race family, the easier it gets and the more attractive the idea becomes. But right now, it’s still difficult.