one week later

It’s been a week (well, 8 days, really) since we got the news that our last IVF cycle didn’t work. I’ve spent the last 8 days voraciously reading adoption magazines (Adoptive Families and their website are great resources–thanks SB!) and having great conversations with J about his thoughts on adoption. I have so many worries and fears going into this and hearing that he doesn’t share those fears (for the most part) is very reassuring.

Here’s what I’m afraid of:

1. That it will take us another 3 years or more to adopt. I’m tired of waiting!
2. That we’ll get hurt again–by a birthmother changing her mind, perhaps?
3. That our kid won’t be as cute as my nephews.  (this is actually a fear of mine no matter how we end up building a family.  my nephews are pretty cute.)
4. That, especially if we adopt interracially, we’ll always be “on display” and have to answer questions (or worse–field racist or ignorant comments) and won’t be able to blend in and just be a regular family.
5. If we adopt interracially, do we live in a diverse enough community for them to feel that they can learn about their racial heritage? Find friends and other families that look like they do? Or will we need to move?

Here’s what I’m sad about:

1. I will never experience pregnancy or childbirth or breastfeeding–all things I’ve sort of dreamed about since I was a child.
2. I’ve always had a “poochy” tummy and now I’ll never have a good excuse for it.
3. My children will not look like me.

Here’s what excites me about adoption:

1. At the end of this process (however long it takes) there’s a pretty good chance that we WILL have a child to take home as our very own. The same cannot necessarily be said of medical infertility treatments.
2. I’ve always wanted to have the “first” SOMETHING. When my younger sister had her first son, I decided that maybe, even though I couldn’t have the first grandbaby, maybe I could have the first grandDAUGHTER. Well, we’re not interested in limiting our choices by gender (or race), but we would definitely be having the first adopted baby in either of our immediate families.
3. we DO have a teensy, weensy bit of control over the type of baby we choose to adopt and both of us, at this point, do not feel ready to parent a child with severe health issues. as adoptive parents, we actually have a little bit more choice in that regard than birth parents do.

So, I asked J what, if anything, scared him about adoption and after some thought, he said that pretty much the only thing that worried him was the prospect of getting our hopes dashed again–either by some beauracracy screw-up or a birthparent changing their mind, or something like that. Other than that, he has no worries. I love this man.