a few weeks ago at my blessingway, one of my friends chose the word “caution.” she was sort of apologetic for it and kept saying that she tried and tried to think of a different word, but this one was the word that kept surfacing and asking to be used. she then elaborated and explained that she was giving the word to us in the sense of “throw caution to the wind.” I’ve been thinking about that all week. Every time someone congratulates us about our big news, my knee jerk reaction is to remind them that she could change her mind any time in the next four months and that nothing is certain and blah blah blah…. but another friend reminded me that there are similar uncertainties in pregnancy (it’s a panic not unique to adoption, just a different form*) and so maybe this excitement with a dose of trepidation is normal for all “expectant” parents. I mean, even if everything goes smoothly and we bring home a baby in March, well, the trepidation will be somewhat justified because of the enormous upheaval our lives will take because we’re adding a new person to the household.
My sister called this week and encouraged me to go ahead and allow myself to get excited and to fall in love with this baby, but although I was touched by her phone call and her stories about how it took until a few weeks after her babies were born that she allowed herself to relax enough to fall in love with them, still it seems presumptuous of me to fall in love with a baby that is currently residing in someone else’s body. Someone else that I haven’t even met yet. Right now, he’s her baby. This is her time to be his mommy. If, when he is born, she decides that we are still the family she wishes to entrust her son to, then I’ll be able to relax enough to fall in love with him. Until then, I’m just looking forward to being done with my school work so that I can actually dig in to really getting ready for a baby to arrive in my home (yes, the nursery looks somewhat ready, but we’re missing some key ingredients like clothes, diapers, sheets, bottles, pacifiers, and cute little baby hats. Yep, I’m pretty sure that’s all we need.**).
I’m not sure I’ve succeeded at throwing caution to the wind YET, but I’ve got four more months to let that word, carved onto a little bird, take wings and fly, into the wind.
*in Dan Savage’s book The Kid he describes this dread as the fear of “BBD/BCM” (Baby Born Dead/Birthmother Change Mind). A bit crude perhaps (it IS Dan Savage after all) but actually a somewhat useful acronym to sum up the biggest worries in this situation and, through humor, somewhat defuse them.
**for those of you who have asked, I think we’d prefer to wait to have a baby shower until after we bring a baby home.
2 comments ↓
4 months is going to FLY by, especially w/ the holidays in there. i do understand your cautiousness and know that only you can figure out the best way to feel through all of this.
[a lovely note sent to me via e-mail from a dear friend who has struggled with infertility and who is due to have a baby in March.)
Oh honey, I’ve been waiting to get that link back for ages and WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE TO FIND ON IT!!! Honestly, I’m just in a big puddle here at my desk right now.
I can 100% understand not wanting to devote your whole heart and soul to this little person just yet. My experiences have definitely taught me that getting excited too early can be a soul destroyer. In my years perusing and finding comfort from infertility blogs, I’ve read countless pregnancy/adoption stories that have been fraught with peril. However, in the last few years, I’ve come to the conclusion that hope explodes into flame whether you like it or not. Even if you cover it with a bushel, it’s still there and even if you KEEP it covered so that you don’t have to see the smoke when it’s extinguished, you STILL know it was there. The difference in the amount of pain it causes is truly negligible, so I’ve begun to err on the side of joy. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I call the baby by the name we’ve decided on for her. That makes me happy. I like to think that maybe when you stand alone in your nursery, you like to say his name too.
I am going to keep all the hope in my heart for our March babies.
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