settling in to the interminable anticipation

so way back when (probably about six weeks ago, when we were still in paperwork limbo), I’d occasionally read blog posts from other parents-in-waiting that talked about how they would call their agency/legal advisor/whoever was facilitating their wait and ask for an update.  Or maybe some agencies just volunteer that information every month or so, I’m not sure.  Anyway, I’d read their comments about how they’re torn between wanting to hear any news at all and being disappointed whenever the news is that nothing is happening.  My thoughts generally ran along the lines of, “well duh–if anything was happening, you’d probably hear from someone!  Why put yourself through that torture each month?  Do you think it will make you feel BETTER to hear that no one’s looked at your profile for the past six weeks?”

Now that I”m in the pool, I have a little more compassion and understanding of that craving for some information–ANY information about what’s going on.  Are there lots of birthmoms coming to the agency and looking and leaving or changing their minds?  Is it a slow time right now?  Not because I think that knowing the answer to these questions will bring us any closer to having a baby to bring home, but more because if I knew that it was slow right now at the agency, I’d be able to relax a little more.  Or if I heard that there was lots of buzz about our profile, but that so far everyone’s been insisting on matching with a Texas family, then that would be at least somewhat encouraging.

It’s this constant low level of vigilance that’s getting tiring.  Always having to think, “do I have my phone with me?  Is it turned on?  Is it charged?”  I admit that I do relax when it’s not office hours because I think there’s less of a chance that we’ll get called on the weekend, but I could get totally burned that way, I know.  It’s sort of like the monthly roller coaster, except that it could (literally) be ANY day now–not just a few days out of the month.  The edge is starting to wear off and I sometimes forget to remember that this really will happen.  someday.

Tomorrow marks one month since we first found out we were in the pool.  Next Wednesday marks exactly six months since we first talked to our social worker here in town.  It feels like we’ve been on this road longer.  Why do I have a feeling that the time between now and the day we become parents is going to feel as long and stretchy as an eternity of taffy?