the women’s circle

i realized recently that one of the things I like better about adoption than IVF is the level of involvement that J can have.  way back in the early days of making a baby, he had a very specific responsibility (ahem).  granted, it was a responsibility that didn’t take a lot of time commitment, but it was very important.  when we switched to IVF, he still had a very similar responsibility, but … somehow it felt like he was more removed from the process.  don’t get me wrong–he was very supportive emotionally (i wouldn’t have survived without him), but the fact that our fertilized embryos were planted directly into me (and although he WAS present for each of my transfers, he presence wasn’t actually required)  just made his participation seem somehow less significant in the moment.

in adoption, we are, for the first time, on completely level ground.  we’ve both been fingerprinted, had physicals, written autobiographies and traveled to Texas for orientation.  We’ve both attended required adoption classes.  When we get matched, we will both spend time on the phone talking with the birthmother who has chosen us.  If we are lucky, we may both be present in the room when our child is born, as supportive help to our child’s birthmother.  There’s a good chance that our child will be fed formula from a bottle, which we can both do equally well.  I love that I’m able to share all of these experiences equally with my husband.

and yet, there’s still a part of me that then wonders…. what makes me special as “the mom” if I don’t give birth to or nurse my child?  am I less of a woman?  i was shocked when this thought popped into my head as I was mulling this post over in my head.

And so, when my friends began planning this blessingway for me, our very original plans were to include both J and me in the party.  But the more I thought about the event and what I was hoping to experience there, the more I realized that I needed a special, women-only celebration.  It felt a little strange to exclude him, since he’s the only one who’s really been WITH me throughout this entire journey, but in the end, I’m so glad that I was able to experience this incredibly beautiful ceremony of support, surrounded by my women-friends.  After so many years of feeling a little bit like an outsider looking in as so many of my friends became mothers, this time of validating my journey toward motherhood was powerful beyond words.  thank you, friends, for planning and participating in this event.  it really means so very much to me.