a seesaw of grief and hope

One of my friends who has adopted told me that once she made the decision to adopt, she felt this overwhelming sense of relief (i think mainly because the decision-making process was done and there was a plan she could follow). She told me that she’d heard of other adopters who express that same sentiment.

I don’t think I’m quite there yet. I’m finding myself (at least this evening) grieving the finality of our decision. It’s not that I’m not excited about and looking forward to the promise of adoption, I’m just at the same time sad about the things that will never happen (and do NOT throw the “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant” thing at me!*). All of those times when I’ve thought “someday…” to myself, I now have to re-write as “Well, I guess I’ll never …”

Now is the time to begin to practice patience–this time, patience for myself. Patience to grieve, patience to ride this seesaw for as long as i need to.

*Here are some reasons not to say that to adopters:
1. Studies have shown that it only happens about 5% of the time.
2. Saying it sort of insinuates that adoption is second best.
3. [Some] adopters have to work hard (see above) at saying goodbye to the possibility of pregnancy in order to be fully present in their current pursuit of adoption and having people say that to them all the time doesn’t allow them to let that go. Also, it feels like you’re not celebrating their decision to adopt.
4. Because EVERYONE ELSE that they meet will say that to them. Don’t add your voice to that crowd.