the truth

have I ever told you that I once failed an “honesty test” that was part of a job interview i had during my high school years?  it was a written exam with multiple choice answers that a computer graded and it asked things (usually referring to previous jobs you’d held…. which I hadn’t had any of yet) like, “How much, in dollar amounts, have you stolen from previous employers?” and “If you were the manager of a department store, how much would you allow an employee to steal before you would refuse to give them a second chance?”  The people administering the test had warned me not to overthink the answers, but that just made me second-guess myself even more.  For that first sample question, I thought about it for awhile and decided that in my previous “job” as a library assistant in my high school, I had probably accidentally taken some paperclips or a pen at some point or another, and so I marked the circle that said, “less than $1.”  rather than just putting “zero.”  My other answers were equally “honest.”  They regretfully informed me, a week later, that although they would have really liked to hire me, my computer scores on the honesty test were too low and they couldn’t.

We got our first draft homestudy report back tonight and I found myself struggling with more of these questions of honesty vs. over-thinking.  For instance, when I read a sentence that says, “C & J have had a great deal of experience caring for children” I think, “well, sort of.  I mean, we babysit occasionally.  And we’re around kids a lot.  But nothing like the amount of time we’d have to spend with a kid that was our own.”  and then I worry that the statement that we have a “great deal of experience caring for children” is a misrepresentation of our true experience and skills.  And then I get really mad when I’m once again struck by the realization that biological parents never have to go through this process to prove themselves to outside entities.  They might secretly worry, “Can I really take care of a child?  I have no idea what I’m doing!”  and we worry about these things too, but I feel like we have to hide those worries (which are perfectly NORMAL worries, I realize that) for fear that someone will think that we’re unfit parents.

It’s interesting to me how throughout this process, I can get angry about things being “unfair” for us, and then come around and find peace about it–or just get over it–and then some little thing will trigger my frustration again.  I wonder if this will happen for the rest of my life.