a quote and an update (and a very boring post title)

awhile back, I read the book The Adoption Decision by Laura Christianson and this quote has kept coming back to me:

“Infertility is a chronic medical condition, one that requires management over the course of a lifetime.  I needed to focus less on resolving my infertility and more on managing it.  Managing infertility means admitting it wounds me–physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Managing infertility means I can expect old wounds to rip open when I attend baby showers or watch a mother nurse her child.   Managing infertility means allowing myself to wonder what it would be like to have a child with Robert’s blue eyes and my thick hair; a child who mimics Robert’s habit of misplacing keys or my obsession with cleaning house when I’m stressed.  Managing infertility means accepting the fact that, while my desire for a birth child has diminished, it will never entirely disappear.”

I find this quote immensely comforting.  While I don’t necessarily agree with it word-for-word (stressy housecleaning seems like a learned trait to me and one that could easily be passed to an adopted child if that’s what you’re looking for) I find it reassuring to realize that when I still have “rough days” it’s not because I’ve changed my mind about adoption or that I’m depressed or anything–it’s just part of the mourning process.  It’s also nice to be forewarned that even after I bring a child home I may still harbor these bouts of grief …. and that’s okay.  It seems much easier (and really more natural) to me to think of “managing” my grief than trying to eradicate it.

I also know that I attended a baby shower last weekend with no “ripped open wounds” and I’m still considering the possibility of nursing my adopted child, so if I, in the end, choose NOT to breastfeed, well maybe that will be my decision and not just something else I’ve had to give up (granted, I could try and not be successful… but let’s not go there just yet, okay?).

In other news, we’ve got our plane tickets, our rental car and our hotel reservations all set for Texas.  Now, we just need to compose a first draft of a “Dear Birthmother” letter, gather together “dozens  of fun, clear, attractive photos” of ourselves and our home, figure out what an adoption resume is and whether we have one, and pack them all up with some “casual, comfortable clothes” and we’ll be all set.